So I ended up getting a 70% on my math midterm. A 70% exactly.
Way better than I thought, but not as good as it could have been. My messing up the special triangles notwithstanding, I made some dumb mistakes that probably cost me a good 5 or 6 points, and if I had done the special triangles correctly, I would have gotten at least another six points on top of that, possibly bringing me up to the 80%+ range. Ugh.
Oh, well. It's better than failing, and I still have a chance of getting an 80% in the class if I play my cards right.
Time to have a good weekend =) It's going to be relaxing. I'm doing stuff at the newspaper today for a bit but other than that, free time for me =)
^_^
-skybluekid
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Friday, October 22, 2010
My brain on math
It's been a week of ups and downs, but it's ending on a high note, so I'm actually content.
My math test on Tuesday would have been fine, but it turned out to be a semi-disaster. I'm usually decent at remembering things, and tests of the brainy sense have said that I have a bit of an eidetic memory. It's usually limited to things I consciously try to remember, and it has to be visual (though I think that's a prerequisite anywhere). But if circumstances are right, I can usually recall a piece of information rather accurately, without trying. No mnemonics, no swiftly-jotted notes, no recall tricks. I just remember.
On the other hand, abstract concepts elude me. Abstract in the sense that, those things have no deeper meaning, like numbers. Numbers and equations, to me, mean nothing, so I have a hard time remembering them, picturing them, and manipulating them in my head. They're purely analytical; a representation of a static state of being – in the sense that they're numbers and represent something unchanging. I guess my brain has a problem with that, and spits out useless dribble when I attempt to remember anything to do with numbers.
That being said, I took the time Tuesday morning to glance over my notes, using my gift of memory and trying to soak up everything on the pages so that I can come back to it later. One of those things were the Special Triangles, with their sides and their angles. I had trouble remembering what the proper orientation of the 30/60/90 triangle is, in the sense that, what its side lengths were (1, 2, root-3) relative to its angles. So I looked at the triangle and remembered that, if it is drawn with the 90º side on the right, the sides were, going counter-clockwise, 1, 2, root-3. Easy enough.
Except I forgot to actually look at the angles associated with those lengths, namely the 30º and 60º sides. It totally slipped my mind, to even take notice of that. So come the test, I was suddenly unable to remember if the 30º angle was on the top, or the left. It really was a 50/50 choice, and it turns out I chose wrong.
So all my answers, which used the special triangle, are wrong. And that was about 60% of the test.
During the last ten minutes of the test, I suddenly realized that I may have chosen incorrectly. I wasn't sure, though. I knew the 45/45/90 triangle, along with its lengths, and tried to picture that triangle resizing – like doing a free transform in photoshop – into a 30/60/90 triangle, and picturing which angles were getting smaller and larger. But, despite my suspicions I had chosen incorrectly, I turned in my test. To be fair, I would not have had enough time to correct all my answers anyway.
My only saving grace is the understanding that the instructor gives partial-credit. I hope he realizes my mistake when he sees what I did with my special triangles, and at least gives me some reasonable points for my effort. If I'm lucky, I passed. If I'm unlucky, I failed. If I failed the midterm, because of a stupid mistake, I'm going to be infinitely pissed off. I still have a chance to pass the course, but it doesn't look promising.
So that was my big worry of the week. I don't find out what I got, I think, until later next week, though it's possible I could find out as early as today. I'll let you know >.<
I got back my accounting midterm, and saw that I had gotten a 100%, so that definitely made me very happy ^_^ I don't yet know what I got in geology, and my econ midterm is next month sometime.
On Monday I went to the meeting with the newspaper staff, and got assigned an article. It's a big story going on at school, and it's possibly front-page material. They didn't trust me enough to do it by myself, though, which is fair, considering they don't know me, so they assigned the editor to the story, too, and let us loose. Well, the editor read my draft on Wednesday and decided I don't need any help =) so she let me finish it up by myself =) I had a great time, and talked to a lot of interesting people. I interviewed the president of the student union, a dean of an affiliated medical school, and a local community leader. I submitted my final draft yesterday, and was happy to hear from the editor-in-chief that he was very, very happy with my article. And he loved my writing style ^_^ So it looks like I scored big on this, and I'll be getting to do more storied =) One of the editors even suggested I apply for an editor position next year!
I spoke with the IT department after my test on Tuesday. The manager was very interested in hiring me, and said he would get back to me soon. He said it was a bit of an issue, because they actually needed a full-time person, but he seemed impressed with my résumé and said he'll try to work around those issues. I haven't heard back from him yet, but I figured I'd stop by next week, either on Monday or Tuesday, to check in with how things are going.
And finally, I got my iPhone in the mail yesterday. Finally I can get rid of this POS Sony Ericsson.
So yes, a nice closure to a pretty hairy week. Today's a meeting with the newspaper as well, and free pizza to go along, so I've got that to look forward to =)
Unless I hear back from my math prof today regarding my test, I can safely say it's a nice way to end the week. If I do hear back about my grade, it's going to be a 50/50 chance that I'll have a good weekend, or a weekend filled with dread.
I hope it's the former, srsly.
As always, I hope all of you are doing great =) I wasn't on IM a lot this week because of all this work, so I'm sorry if I missed you. There are a few emails I haven't responded to, yet, that I promise I will!
Love you all <33
-skybluekid
My math test on Tuesday would have been fine, but it turned out to be a semi-disaster. I'm usually decent at remembering things, and tests of the brainy sense have said that I have a bit of an eidetic memory. It's usually limited to things I consciously try to remember, and it has to be visual (though I think that's a prerequisite anywhere). But if circumstances are right, I can usually recall a piece of information rather accurately, without trying. No mnemonics, no swiftly-jotted notes, no recall tricks. I just remember.
On the other hand, abstract concepts elude me. Abstract in the sense that, those things have no deeper meaning, like numbers. Numbers and equations, to me, mean nothing, so I have a hard time remembering them, picturing them, and manipulating them in my head. They're purely analytical; a representation of a static state of being – in the sense that they're numbers and represent something unchanging. I guess my brain has a problem with that, and spits out useless dribble when I attempt to remember anything to do with numbers.
That being said, I took the time Tuesday morning to glance over my notes, using my gift of memory and trying to soak up everything on the pages so that I can come back to it later. One of those things were the Special Triangles, with their sides and their angles. I had trouble remembering what the proper orientation of the 30/60/90 triangle is, in the sense that, what its side lengths were (1, 2, root-3) relative to its angles. So I looked at the triangle and remembered that, if it is drawn with the 90º side on the right, the sides were, going counter-clockwise, 1, 2, root-3. Easy enough.
Except I forgot to actually look at the angles associated with those lengths, namely the 30º and 60º sides. It totally slipped my mind, to even take notice of that. So come the test, I was suddenly unable to remember if the 30º angle was on the top, or the left. It really was a 50/50 choice, and it turns out I chose wrong.
So all my answers, which used the special triangle, are wrong. And that was about 60% of the test.
During the last ten minutes of the test, I suddenly realized that I may have chosen incorrectly. I wasn't sure, though. I knew the 45/45/90 triangle, along with its lengths, and tried to picture that triangle resizing – like doing a free transform in photoshop – into a 30/60/90 triangle, and picturing which angles were getting smaller and larger. But, despite my suspicions I had chosen incorrectly, I turned in my test. To be fair, I would not have had enough time to correct all my answers anyway.
My only saving grace is the understanding that the instructor gives partial-credit. I hope he realizes my mistake when he sees what I did with my special triangles, and at least gives me some reasonable points for my effort. If I'm lucky, I passed. If I'm unlucky, I failed. If I failed the midterm, because of a stupid mistake, I'm going to be infinitely pissed off. I still have a chance to pass the course, but it doesn't look promising.
So that was my big worry of the week. I don't find out what I got, I think, until later next week, though it's possible I could find out as early as today. I'll let you know >.<
I got back my accounting midterm, and saw that I had gotten a 100%, so that definitely made me very happy ^_^ I don't yet know what I got in geology, and my econ midterm is next month sometime.
On Monday I went to the meeting with the newspaper staff, and got assigned an article. It's a big story going on at school, and it's possibly front-page material. They didn't trust me enough to do it by myself, though, which is fair, considering they don't know me, so they assigned the editor to the story, too, and let us loose. Well, the editor read my draft on Wednesday and decided I don't need any help =) so she let me finish it up by myself =) I had a great time, and talked to a lot of interesting people. I interviewed the president of the student union, a dean of an affiliated medical school, and a local community leader. I submitted my final draft yesterday, and was happy to hear from the editor-in-chief that he was very, very happy with my article. And he loved my writing style ^_^ So it looks like I scored big on this, and I'll be getting to do more storied =) One of the editors even suggested I apply for an editor position next year!
I spoke with the IT department after my test on Tuesday. The manager was very interested in hiring me, and said he would get back to me soon. He said it was a bit of an issue, because they actually needed a full-time person, but he seemed impressed with my résumé and said he'll try to work around those issues. I haven't heard back from him yet, but I figured I'd stop by next week, either on Monday or Tuesday, to check in with how things are going.
And finally, I got my iPhone in the mail yesterday. Finally I can get rid of this POS Sony Ericsson.
So yes, a nice closure to a pretty hairy week. Today's a meeting with the newspaper as well, and free pizza to go along, so I've got that to look forward to =)
Unless I hear back from my math prof today regarding my test, I can safely say it's a nice way to end the week. If I do hear back about my grade, it's going to be a 50/50 chance that I'll have a good weekend, or a weekend filled with dread.
I hope it's the former, srsly.
As always, I hope all of you are doing great =) I wasn't on IM a lot this week because of all this work, so I'm sorry if I missed you. There are a few emails I haven't responded to, yet, that I promise I will!
Love you all <33
-skybluekid
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Winter
It's getting colder. I'm told it will start snowing soon. I don't know how I feel about that, to be honest.
In Los Angeles, the winters are much like the summers: cool and breezy. And dry. It's true that the sun doesn't shine quite as warm, and the morning light gives off a slightly-bluer hue, but overall, not much changes. Here, though, the leaves are turning a crunchy amber, and the geese are making their way to warmer climates. Soon, the snowfall will claim the last of the grassy fields and throw the land into a cool stasis.
Maybe that's just the type of solace I need. A sort of break from the world; the hum of activity. In Los Angeles, the city never sleeps, and even in the dead of night you can almost hear the molecules of air buzzing from the heat the desert sun left just the day before.
This week was good. I knocked out two of my tests in short order, leaving only my math and economics exam. Math will be interesting. I am aware of, partly, how to do most of the tasks that will be on the test; however, my confidence in my math abilities is strained from years of failing at basic maths (I never did well in algebra, geometry, algebra 2, or precalc, all of which I took in high school). I think my average grade was barely a C, and I had to repeat several of the subjects in the proceeding summers.
Either way, I'll find out just how well I'll do come Tuesday. My math exam will be at bright and early 8am. I can hardly wait >.<
I picked up a project with a friend of mine back home (more computery stuff; mainly programming). It's short, easy, but will pay nicely. I can probably crank it out in a mere 8 hours, so it's definitely weekend work for sure. And I think I'll enjoy doing it. My friend works for an IT company and does a lot of this kind of coding, but he doesn't have time to give things a nice polish. I, fortunately, do have time, so I shall polish things, and get paid =)
I have a meeting with the school's IT department manager this coming Monday. I went into the office on Wednesday to see if I can talk to someone, and it turns out I've been courting the wrong department this whole time. See, the IT department is actually two departments: one handles network infrastructure, VoIP, and telecommunications, and the other handles servers and workstations. I want to work for the latter, but I've been talking to people from the former, and that's why my resume hasn't been looked at yet. Makes sense, I suppose, when you think about it, but you really can't tell from just the outside. It all looks like one unified place. So yeah, Monday. Should be interesting. The manager's getting back from a training session in California, so I think we'll have something to talk about to break the ice =P
Also on Monday, I have a meeting with the school newspaper staff. I met some nice people when I visited the office earlier this week, and they invited me to attend their little gathering to talk about stories I want to write. They also need help with their website, but they indicated they were going to staff that out to a paid position through the Ontario Work Study Program, which, as an international student, I don't qualify for. Oh, well. It's not that I actually want to work on their website. It's just that, I saw that as sort of a way to get my foot in the door. But, if I impress them with my writing skills, maybe I can get my foot in through that door. We'll see =)
Next week will be interesting for sure, and if things go well, I'll have much to share come the end of the week.
There are a few other things on my mind, but I don't want to clutter up this post with those things, at the moment. Maybe I'll make another post expounding on those things later. Either way, I have to run, and grab dinner at the school before the cafeteria closes.
Thanks to all of you who have subscribed, messaged, and emailed. Looking forward to talking to you guys <33
-skybluekid
In Los Angeles, the winters are much like the summers: cool and breezy. And dry. It's true that the sun doesn't shine quite as warm, and the morning light gives off a slightly-bluer hue, but overall, not much changes. Here, though, the leaves are turning a crunchy amber, and the geese are making their way to warmer climates. Soon, the snowfall will claim the last of the grassy fields and throw the land into a cool stasis.
Maybe that's just the type of solace I need. A sort of break from the world; the hum of activity. In Los Angeles, the city never sleeps, and even in the dead of night you can almost hear the molecules of air buzzing from the heat the desert sun left just the day before.
This week was good. I knocked out two of my tests in short order, leaving only my math and economics exam. Math will be interesting. I am aware of, partly, how to do most of the tasks that will be on the test; however, my confidence in my math abilities is strained from years of failing at basic maths (I never did well in algebra, geometry, algebra 2, or precalc, all of which I took in high school). I think my average grade was barely a C, and I had to repeat several of the subjects in the proceeding summers.
Either way, I'll find out just how well I'll do come Tuesday. My math exam will be at bright and early 8am. I can hardly wait >.<
I picked up a project with a friend of mine back home (more computery stuff; mainly programming). It's short, easy, but will pay nicely. I can probably crank it out in a mere 8 hours, so it's definitely weekend work for sure. And I think I'll enjoy doing it. My friend works for an IT company and does a lot of this kind of coding, but he doesn't have time to give things a nice polish. I, fortunately, do have time, so I shall polish things, and get paid =)
I have a meeting with the school's IT department manager this coming Monday. I went into the office on Wednesday to see if I can talk to someone, and it turns out I've been courting the wrong department this whole time. See, the IT department is actually two departments: one handles network infrastructure, VoIP, and telecommunications, and the other handles servers and workstations. I want to work for the latter, but I've been talking to people from the former, and that's why my resume hasn't been looked at yet. Makes sense, I suppose, when you think about it, but you really can't tell from just the outside. It all looks like one unified place. So yeah, Monday. Should be interesting. The manager's getting back from a training session in California, so I think we'll have something to talk about to break the ice =P
Also on Monday, I have a meeting with the school newspaper staff. I met some nice people when I visited the office earlier this week, and they invited me to attend their little gathering to talk about stories I want to write. They also need help with their website, but they indicated they were going to staff that out to a paid position through the Ontario Work Study Program, which, as an international student, I don't qualify for. Oh, well. It's not that I actually want to work on their website. It's just that, I saw that as sort of a way to get my foot in the door. But, if I impress them with my writing skills, maybe I can get my foot in through that door. We'll see =)
Next week will be interesting for sure, and if things go well, I'll have much to share come the end of the week.
There are a few other things on my mind, but I don't want to clutter up this post with those things, at the moment. Maybe I'll make another post expounding on those things later. Either way, I have to run, and grab dinner at the school before the cafeteria closes.
Thanks to all of you who have subscribed, messaged, and emailed. Looking forward to talking to you guys <33
-skybluekid
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Chuffed is a funny word
This week's been pretty spiffy. I was walking outside of the cafeteria one day when I passed by a voting booth. Turns out there was a student government election and I had no idea. I opted not to vote, since I didn't know a single person on the ballot and it would feel wrong to just vote for random people, but I did end up talking for over an hour with the two student government chaps running the booth.
For the first time in a long while I've had a stimulating intellectual conversation. Not to say that Kyle doesn't make good conversation, but he avoids subjects like religion and politics because it makes him decidedly angry. Most of the time it does me, too, but every now and then I meet someone who, while possibly having some opposing viewpoints, he/she can make civil conversation and debate. So yes, I was quite chuffed -- as the British would say -- to have such a great discussion with some pretty awesome people.
After they were done at the voting booth, we went back to the student government offices where I gave them my contact info and mentioned I wanted to volunteer. I didn't get to spend too much time there since they were having a meeting, but I definitely want to get involved in there somehow. I also stopped by the student newspaper office on my way out and got their schedule. Who knows, I may write an article or two, and get published! That would be so awesome =3
I have a test on Wednesday for my accounting class. I'm not nervous at all. I'm really good at the accounting work we've done so far, and I'm confident I'll do well on the test. I just have to remember to buy a non-graphing calculator for the exam, since my TI-89 is not allowed (apparently people tend to cheat when you can program things into your calculator). Other classes are having tests the next few weeks, too, so I have to get into gear and study for the ones that are coming up. Math is a big one that's coming up in just a couple of weeks, and I'm not very confident in that. We'll see how it goes. Plenty of time, still, to work on getting better at it. xD
I'm starting a project I'm quite excited about. I managed to rope in a few of my friends from back home into it, and I'm gonna see if I can find some people at school who are willing to help me as well. I won't say more about it until I have something a bit more to show for it, but I will say that it involves what I talked about in my intro post -- helping gay youth orient themselves in this crazy, crazy world -- especially now, with all the hardships we're facing. I will definitely give more info about it in a few weeks, I promise!
No job prospects yet, sadly. I've been encouraged by several people to do follow-ups on my applications, so I am going to do that sometime next week. I'll just walk into the offices and speak with the managers there, and at least try to get some feedback on things. I mean, the worst thing they can say is, "no, we're not interested," which would be ideal because at least I'd know concretely what my situation is.
Other than that, and the odd interesting moment, things are pretty normal here in Skybluekid-land. Interesting things on the horizon though, so I'm sure I'll have much to talk about in the next few weeks.
Love you all!! <33
-skybluekid
For the first time in a long while I've had a stimulating intellectual conversation. Not to say that Kyle doesn't make good conversation, but he avoids subjects like religion and politics because it makes him decidedly angry. Most of the time it does me, too, but every now and then I meet someone who, while possibly having some opposing viewpoints, he/she can make civil conversation and debate. So yes, I was quite chuffed -- as the British would say -- to have such a great discussion with some pretty awesome people.
After they were done at the voting booth, we went back to the student government offices where I gave them my contact info and mentioned I wanted to volunteer. I didn't get to spend too much time there since they were having a meeting, but I definitely want to get involved in there somehow. I also stopped by the student newspaper office on my way out and got their schedule. Who knows, I may write an article or two, and get published! That would be so awesome =3
I have a test on Wednesday for my accounting class. I'm not nervous at all. I'm really good at the accounting work we've done so far, and I'm confident I'll do well on the test. I just have to remember to buy a non-graphing calculator for the exam, since my TI-89 is not allowed (apparently people tend to cheat when you can program things into your calculator). Other classes are having tests the next few weeks, too, so I have to get into gear and study for the ones that are coming up. Math is a big one that's coming up in just a couple of weeks, and I'm not very confident in that. We'll see how it goes. Plenty of time, still, to work on getting better at it. xD
I'm starting a project I'm quite excited about. I managed to rope in a few of my friends from back home into it, and I'm gonna see if I can find some people at school who are willing to help me as well. I won't say more about it until I have something a bit more to show for it, but I will say that it involves what I talked about in my intro post -- helping gay youth orient themselves in this crazy, crazy world -- especially now, with all the hardships we're facing. I will definitely give more info about it in a few weeks, I promise!
No job prospects yet, sadly. I've been encouraged by several people to do follow-ups on my applications, so I am going to do that sometime next week. I'll just walk into the offices and speak with the managers there, and at least try to get some feedback on things. I mean, the worst thing they can say is, "no, we're not interested," which would be ideal because at least I'd know concretely what my situation is.
Other than that, and the odd interesting moment, things are pretty normal here in Skybluekid-land. Interesting things on the horizon though, so I'm sure I'll have much to talk about in the next few weeks.
Love you all!! <33
-skybluekid
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Belonging
I started writing when I was in seventh/eighth grade, but I was making up characters and stories in my head for a lot longer than that. My characters weren't very complex back then, and the stories were cheesy and contrived, but it was an outlet for my creativity and a way to deal with my feelings on different matters.
Character history and development is always a fun thing for me to get into. I love thinking of a background for a character: where they were born, where they grew up, where they went to school, who their friends were, what their parents/siblings/extended family was like, etc. It really helps me understand their motivations and why they want what they want, or need what they need. This is a process, of course, not all of which was understood by my thirteen-year-old brain, but as I got older, I began to become more proficient at these things.
When I was younger, thinking up these histories and developing my characters was easy. After all, I couldn't relate with adults, since they were, you know, grownups, so most of my characters were kids, but engaged in adult activities (like being spies undercover, or child prodigies/savants doing equally-important things). But since they were kids, I didn't have to look much past their childhood to develop them. It was just never an issue. The adults in my stories were cutouts of what I felt adults were "supposed to be". Of the adult characters whose personal lives I developed, not much went beyond "married to lovely wife, two kids, dog". You know, the American dream.
The trouble started with when I got older, since at the same time, so did my characters. These guys weren't 12/13/14 anymore, but 16/17/18. Characters of these ages usually had active social lives (read: drinking, partying, and other vices I was too naive to really understand), had girlfriends (or boyfriends in the rare case of a female character made an appearance in one of my stories), had sex, and did other young-people things. Suddenly, what had once been very easy for me -- identifying with my characters -- became very difficult. I couldn't accurately simulate their lives, or come up with rich histories, because all those things -- having girlfriends, partying, drinking, etc -- were not things that I ever did. So my characters sort of became caricatures of me: they were mostly asexual, put a lot of emphasis on friendships with each other, and were too distracted with their work (whatever that might have been) to really focus on partying or drinking.
Later in high school, I started to be able to relate more with adults. I had started an internship at a company in Los Angeles doing stuff I was particularly good at (computery things), so the people there treated me as their peer. I didn't get the feeling from them that they felt I was "just a kid". My writing changed to reflect this: my characters were now older than teenagers. They were in their twenties, mature, experienced, and confident. More adult TV shows became interesting to me: The West Wing and JAG especially -- smart TV shows that showed complex people solving complex problems through complex interactions. That, also, translated into my writing. But now I definitely had a problem: these people couldn't possibly be flat. Their personal and interpersonal relationships couldn't just be them doing their jobs and occasionally hanging out with each other. There had to be more. So I gave characters girlfriends and romantic interests.
But I couldn't connect with it. I didn't "understand" the whole girlfriend thing. I didn't understand how some random chick could motivate anyone to do something, or NOT do something, but yet television, movies, and novels all had plenty of all of that. I felt like I was obligated to do it, but I didn't UNDERSTAND it.
It's like when my friends talked about girls. I didn't get it. Nothing clicked. When they were so attracted to someone, or commented on a good-looking girl, I felt nothing. I just smiled and nodded, because that was the proper thing to do, but I didn't understand WHY it was the proper thing to do. Guys are supposed to have these sorts of feelings, but how do they learn when to express them, or how to express them?
It seems so obvious now, but to me it was like an epiphany that smacked me right upside the head and had my flying into a wall. When I first realized I was gay, it suddenly all made sense. It made sense WHY I couldn't relate with my characters and simulate their relationships. It made sense WHY my friends talked the way they did about girls, and why they felt the way they did. Because if I took my feelings about guys and compared, it was exactly the same, albeit "misdirected" (I put it in quotes because, being gay is not a misdirection. I'm only saying it to illustrate a point). Once I replaced my characters' girlfriends with boyfriends, in my head, it began to make so much more sense. I began to understand them a lot better, and my passion for writing returned hundredfold.
Of course, having all my characters have gay relationships is a bit exaggerated in terms of reality, so I would never actually end up replacing all my characters' relationships with a same-sex one, but thinking about it did lead me to understand how to write opposite-sex relationships without resorting to callous, awkward writing.
In the end, I learned a lot about myself coming to these conclusions. It made me realize how important it is to belong to something in order to truly be able to identify my own motivations and desires. Until I came to that realization, I didn't "get" relationships. I never understood why they were important to people. I never understood why they would be a driving force in a character's story or their development. Similarly, I never understood my own empty response to what appeared to be normative sexuality -- the whole gawking at hawt boobz did not have the desired effect. It left me confused, bewildered, and slightly uneasy. When I had my epiphany, all of this made sense. My reaction to hawt ass was what my friends' reaction to hawt boobz was, and so I understood. I not only understood my own sexuality, I understood my friends' sexuality. Sex made sense. Relationships made sense. My writing made sense.
Backasswards way to get to the conclusion no doubt, but in the end, my writing played a big role in understanding who I was. I bet, if a psychologist goes back and reads everything I've written since I first started writing things down, they'd have a field day. Or they'd be confused at all sorts of things. I mean, I am. Shit, I wrote the damn things and I'm still confused.
At least I'm not confused about this, anymore. I know who I am, now. Yeah, it took a while, but hey, the point is I did it.
And now, to end, a picture of hawt ass <33
Character history and development is always a fun thing for me to get into. I love thinking of a background for a character: where they were born, where they grew up, where they went to school, who their friends were, what their parents/siblings/extended family was like, etc. It really helps me understand their motivations and why they want what they want, or need what they need. This is a process, of course, not all of which was understood by my thirteen-year-old brain, but as I got older, I began to become more proficient at these things.
When I was younger, thinking up these histories and developing my characters was easy. After all, I couldn't relate with adults, since they were, you know, grownups, so most of my characters were kids, but engaged in adult activities (like being spies undercover, or child prodigies/savants doing equally-important things). But since they were kids, I didn't have to look much past their childhood to develop them. It was just never an issue. The adults in my stories were cutouts of what I felt adults were "supposed to be". Of the adult characters whose personal lives I developed, not much went beyond "married to lovely wife, two kids, dog". You know, the American dream.
The trouble started with when I got older, since at the same time, so did my characters. These guys weren't 12/13/14 anymore, but 16/17/18. Characters of these ages usually had active social lives (read: drinking, partying, and other vices I was too naive to really understand), had girlfriends (or boyfriends in the rare case of a female character made an appearance in one of my stories), had sex, and did other young-people things. Suddenly, what had once been very easy for me -- identifying with my characters -- became very difficult. I couldn't accurately simulate their lives, or come up with rich histories, because all those things -- having girlfriends, partying, drinking, etc -- were not things that I ever did. So my characters sort of became caricatures of me: they were mostly asexual, put a lot of emphasis on friendships with each other, and were too distracted with their work (whatever that might have been) to really focus on partying or drinking.
Later in high school, I started to be able to relate more with adults. I had started an internship at a company in Los Angeles doing stuff I was particularly good at (computery things), so the people there treated me as their peer. I didn't get the feeling from them that they felt I was "just a kid". My writing changed to reflect this: my characters were now older than teenagers. They were in their twenties, mature, experienced, and confident. More adult TV shows became interesting to me: The West Wing and JAG especially -- smart TV shows that showed complex people solving complex problems through complex interactions. That, also, translated into my writing. But now I definitely had a problem: these people couldn't possibly be flat. Their personal and interpersonal relationships couldn't just be them doing their jobs and occasionally hanging out with each other. There had to be more. So I gave characters girlfriends and romantic interests.
But I couldn't connect with it. I didn't "understand" the whole girlfriend thing. I didn't understand how some random chick could motivate anyone to do something, or NOT do something, but yet television, movies, and novels all had plenty of all of that. I felt like I was obligated to do it, but I didn't UNDERSTAND it.
It's like when my friends talked about girls. I didn't get it. Nothing clicked. When they were so attracted to someone, or commented on a good-looking girl, I felt nothing. I just smiled and nodded, because that was the proper thing to do, but I didn't understand WHY it was the proper thing to do. Guys are supposed to have these sorts of feelings, but how do they learn when to express them, or how to express them?
It seems so obvious now, but to me it was like an epiphany that smacked me right upside the head and had my flying into a wall. When I first realized I was gay, it suddenly all made sense. It made sense WHY I couldn't relate with my characters and simulate their relationships. It made sense WHY my friends talked the way they did about girls, and why they felt the way they did. Because if I took my feelings about guys and compared, it was exactly the same, albeit "misdirected" (I put it in quotes because, being gay is not a misdirection. I'm only saying it to illustrate a point). Once I replaced my characters' girlfriends with boyfriends, in my head, it began to make so much more sense. I began to understand them a lot better, and my passion for writing returned hundredfold.
Of course, having all my characters have gay relationships is a bit exaggerated in terms of reality, so I would never actually end up replacing all my characters' relationships with a same-sex one, but thinking about it did lead me to understand how to write opposite-sex relationships without resorting to callous, awkward writing.
In the end, I learned a lot about myself coming to these conclusions. It made me realize how important it is to belong to something in order to truly be able to identify my own motivations and desires. Until I came to that realization, I didn't "get" relationships. I never understood why they were important to people. I never understood why they would be a driving force in a character's story or their development. Similarly, I never understood my own empty response to what appeared to be normative sexuality -- the whole gawking at hawt boobz did not have the desired effect. It left me confused, bewildered, and slightly uneasy. When I had my epiphany, all of this made sense. My reaction to hawt ass was what my friends' reaction to hawt boobz was, and so I understood. I not only understood my own sexuality, I understood my friends' sexuality. Sex made sense. Relationships made sense. My writing made sense.
Backasswards way to get to the conclusion no doubt, but in the end, my writing played a big role in understanding who I was. I bet, if a psychologist goes back and reads everything I've written since I first started writing things down, they'd have a field day. Or they'd be confused at all sorts of things. I mean, I am. Shit, I wrote the damn things and I'm still confused.
At least I'm not confused about this, anymore. I know who I am, now. Yeah, it took a while, but hey, the point is I did it.
And now, to end, a picture of hawt ass <33
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Hey, I wrote a novel, and it is this post
Another week has gone by. It's not been much exciting.
Math is hard. Like, a lot. If it weren't for Kyle, I'd not know what to do half the time. The prof is a part-timer, and because of that, a jerk. He refuses to help anyone or address anything outside of class. He keeps pointing people to the tutoring if we want it, otherwise tough shit, etc. But, thankfully, I don't care because Kyle is really good at math and he helps me out SO MUCH I can't even begin to tell you. I <3 him so much =P Not just cuz he's a math genius either. There are other reasons ;)
The school is a huge maze. There are a dozen buildings on campus with passageways, tunnels, corridors, and various random stuff going every which way. It's hard to find my way around but I'm getting better at it. I enjoy spending time there and I don't feel that dread I used to feel all the time at home when the word "school" entered my thoughts. I chalk this up to progress, and being a good thing. My classes are going well, too. I'm really understanding all of my subjects, and none of them are particularly worrying to me about being difficult, except maybe geology, which I'm not convinced is 100% a sane subject. I went from really, really excited about learning more about it, to being a bit let down by the class. The prof, while really excited about the subject, lacks a certain... I don't know... gravitas? when presenting the materia. So I can't help but sit there and almost fall asleep (the class is at 7pm) while she drones on and on about rocks and ... more rocks. I'm hoping the subject will regain its magic, but unless the prof changes her lecturing style, I don't have much hope for it. It's just gotta be something I'm gonna have to tough out. >.<
In my last post I talked about my friend who undergoing drama at home. Turns out things are going a bit better for him, especially with his mom. His dad, on the other hand, not so much. He's still digesting, from what I understand, but it's still up in the air how it's going to affect him. My friend says his dad blames his circle of friends for him turning gay, nevermind the fact that we all know THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ANYTHING. That doesn't stop him from being a douche and thinking that. So yeah, "bad choice of friends," was the quote, if I remember correctly, and his dad may be putting his foot down re who he can hang out with. Stupid. I hope he comes around like his mom. His sister helps lots, too, which is good. She had always been supportive, from the very beginning, and helped get his mom out of her stupid mood. I wish him lots of luck, and I'll post here if/when anything changes. As I mentioned in my last post, I'm still worried about the fact that his being gay will spawn interesting and unexplored conversations between his parents and my parents, during which they will freely discuss and speculate on things, possibly my own sexuality, which will make MY family paranoid and questioning, since my parents watched my friend grow up, in addition to me, and his childhood/relationships are strikingly similar to mine, so I think they'll maybe start connecting the dots.
And that's not a conversation I want to have with them anytime soon. Like, really. The thought of that just makes my skin crawl. I can't bear thinking about how shitty that would be. Anyhow, no use worrying. Just hope for the best...
No word on the job front yet, either. No place has called me back, and it's now been almost two weeks, so I won't hold my breath any longer. Once my six months is up (yeah, that's a while from now... I know...) I'll just apply for work in-town. Apparently, I'm not good enough to work at school =( why I don't know. My resume's impressive (haha jk it's not =\), and I even printed it on nice paper!! T_T The guy even commented on how nice the paper was >.< I spent $7 on that nice paper too -.-
When I moved here, my phone from the US didn't work any longer. It was a Motorola Droid, and I loved it with all my heart. I loved it like I would a dog, or cat, or gerbil. Okay, just kidding; maybe not a gerbil. But definitely a cute cat or something. Anyway, I had to give it up because it wouldn't function here. So when I went to go get a new cell phone, I wanted one that was a smartphone. I'm hooked on the awesomeness of a smartphone with all the apps and interwebs and email... and facebook... must. get. So yeah, it surprised me when they told me that they don't have much of a smart phone selection. They stocked a bunch of BlackBerries, but like, srsly, I hate BB (nothing wrong with them, I just strongly dislike them). All the Android phones they had were shitty or old, and the iPhone was perpetually sold out like, all the time. So I went with a crappy Sony Ericsson because it was the best phone they had to offer. It has the old Android OS but there will be an upgrade. Or, well, there was going to be one. See, the old Android OS sucks, lots, and the only reason I bought this phone was because the OS is in for an upgrade to the 2.x series. But it turns out it's been delayed THREE TIMES and it's still not official on when it's going to come out. So I called Rogers, the phone company, pissed off that I'm locked in a two year contract with a shitty-ass phone that they can't even be bothered to update. Well, I worked out a deal that says I can get the always-sold-out-iPhone MAILED to me as a replacement. I'm like, YIPEE!!! I'm not a huge iPhone nut, but like, anything's better than this POS.
Unfortunately, I had to wait until October 3rd to get it because of a mandatory, something-or-other, waiting period. Anyway, the lady calls me like, Tuesday, to tell me that they can actually send it to me now, and to call back and have one of the reps fire off an email to her (since they can't transfer me) and let her know to call me back. So I did that and I heard nothing. A day went by and I called back and said, basically, "look you idiots, I called you back and had you email her like you asked me to, but she never called back. Email her again, plox, and this time tell her to JUST DO IT, but still call me back". Yeah, that was Thursday, and I haven't heard shit yet.
I want my phone... so hopefully she got my message and is doing it and will call me back ASAP.
Anyway.
Oh man, this is a hugely long post. Here I thought I had nothing to talk about, but then it turns out I have LOTS to talk about xD
I'll stop for now and maybe make a post later today or something. Sorry this is rambly and stuff. I stayed up all night, 'cause I could, and so I'm really tired and sleepy and a bit wonky. But I'm ready for bed and will sleep a few hours and then go to bed earlier today because I have school tomorrow (weeee =P).
If I have nothing to say, I'll post an update AT LEAST once a week, so, fret not, I'm still alive, just lacking on things to say (or the time to say it).
Anyway, cheers to all of you. You know I love you <33
-skybluekid
PS - Sorry again about the crappy grammar/rambling/TLDR longasspost. I swear I'll make better ones next time. I won't be so out of it.
Math is hard. Like, a lot. If it weren't for Kyle, I'd not know what to do half the time. The prof is a part-timer, and because of that, a jerk. He refuses to help anyone or address anything outside of class. He keeps pointing people to the tutoring if we want it, otherwise tough shit, etc. But, thankfully, I don't care because Kyle is really good at math and he helps me out SO MUCH I can't even begin to tell you. I <3 him so much =P Not just cuz he's a math genius either. There are other reasons ;)
The school is a huge maze. There are a dozen buildings on campus with passageways, tunnels, corridors, and various random stuff going every which way. It's hard to find my way around but I'm getting better at it. I enjoy spending time there and I don't feel that dread I used to feel all the time at home when the word "school" entered my thoughts. I chalk this up to progress, and being a good thing. My classes are going well, too. I'm really understanding all of my subjects, and none of them are particularly worrying to me about being difficult, except maybe geology, which I'm not convinced is 100% a sane subject. I went from really, really excited about learning more about it, to being a bit let down by the class. The prof, while really excited about the subject, lacks a certain... I don't know... gravitas? when presenting the materia. So I can't help but sit there and almost fall asleep (the class is at 7pm) while she drones on and on about rocks and ... more rocks. I'm hoping the subject will regain its magic, but unless the prof changes her lecturing style, I don't have much hope for it. It's just gotta be something I'm gonna have to tough out. >.<
In my last post I talked about my friend who undergoing drama at home. Turns out things are going a bit better for him, especially with his mom. His dad, on the other hand, not so much. He's still digesting, from what I understand, but it's still up in the air how it's going to affect him. My friend says his dad blames his circle of friends for him turning gay, nevermind the fact that we all know THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ANYTHING. That doesn't stop him from being a douche and thinking that. So yeah, "bad choice of friends," was the quote, if I remember correctly, and his dad may be putting his foot down re who he can hang out with. Stupid. I hope he comes around like his mom. His sister helps lots, too, which is good. She had always been supportive, from the very beginning, and helped get his mom out of her stupid mood. I wish him lots of luck, and I'll post here if/when anything changes. As I mentioned in my last post, I'm still worried about the fact that his being gay will spawn interesting and unexplored conversations between his parents and my parents, during which they will freely discuss and speculate on things, possibly my own sexuality, which will make MY family paranoid and questioning, since my parents watched my friend grow up, in addition to me, and his childhood/relationships are strikingly similar to mine, so I think they'll maybe start connecting the dots.
And that's not a conversation I want to have with them anytime soon. Like, really. The thought of that just makes my skin crawl. I can't bear thinking about how shitty that would be. Anyhow, no use worrying. Just hope for the best...
No word on the job front yet, either. No place has called me back, and it's now been almost two weeks, so I won't hold my breath any longer. Once my six months is up (yeah, that's a while from now... I know...) I'll just apply for work in-town. Apparently, I'm not good enough to work at school =( why I don't know. My resume's impressive (haha jk it's not =\), and I even printed it on nice paper!! T_T The guy even commented on how nice the paper was >.< I spent $7 on that nice paper too -.-
When I moved here, my phone from the US didn't work any longer. It was a Motorola Droid, and I loved it with all my heart. I loved it like I would a dog, or cat, or gerbil. Okay, just kidding; maybe not a gerbil. But definitely a cute cat or something. Anyway, I had to give it up because it wouldn't function here. So when I went to go get a new cell phone, I wanted one that was a smartphone. I'm hooked on the awesomeness of a smartphone with all the apps and interwebs and email... and facebook... must. get. So yeah, it surprised me when they told me that they don't have much of a smart phone selection. They stocked a bunch of BlackBerries, but like, srsly, I hate BB (nothing wrong with them, I just strongly dislike them). All the Android phones they had were shitty or old, and the iPhone was perpetually sold out like, all the time. So I went with a crappy Sony Ericsson because it was the best phone they had to offer. It has the old Android OS but there will be an upgrade. Or, well, there was going to be one. See, the old Android OS sucks, lots, and the only reason I bought this phone was because the OS is in for an upgrade to the 2.x series. But it turns out it's been delayed THREE TIMES and it's still not official on when it's going to come out. So I called Rogers, the phone company, pissed off that I'm locked in a two year contract with a shitty-ass phone that they can't even be bothered to update. Well, I worked out a deal that says I can get the always-sold-out-iPhone MAILED to me as a replacement. I'm like, YIPEE!!! I'm not a huge iPhone nut, but like, anything's better than this POS.
Unfortunately, I had to wait until October 3rd to get it because of a mandatory, something-or-other, waiting period. Anyway, the lady calls me like, Tuesday, to tell me that they can actually send it to me now, and to call back and have one of the reps fire off an email to her (since they can't transfer me) and let her know to call me back. So I did that and I heard nothing. A day went by and I called back and said, basically, "look you idiots, I called you back and had you email her like you asked me to, but she never called back. Email her again, plox, and this time tell her to JUST DO IT, but still call me back". Yeah, that was Thursday, and I haven't heard shit yet.
I want my phone... so hopefully she got my message and is doing it and will call me back ASAP.
Anyway.
Oh man, this is a hugely long post. Here I thought I had nothing to talk about, but then it turns out I have LOTS to talk about xD
I'll stop for now and maybe make a post later today or something. Sorry this is rambly and stuff. I stayed up all night, 'cause I could, and so I'm really tired and sleepy and a bit wonky. But I'm ready for bed and will sleep a few hours and then go to bed earlier today because I have school tomorrow (weeee =P).
If I have nothing to say, I'll post an update AT LEAST once a week, so, fret not, I'm still alive, just lacking on things to say (or the time to say it).
Anyway, cheers to all of you. You know I love you <33
-skybluekid
PS - Sorry again about the crappy grammar/rambling/TLDR longasspost. I swear I'll make better ones next time. I won't be so out of it.
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