Random post of cuteness

I always loved the roof of my house.  It was easy to get on to, because my dad's toolshed had a lower roof and was next to the brick wall separating our yard from the neighbor's; so I'd climb up on the wall, on top of the shed, and onto the roof of the house.

I wouldn't go up very often, but when I did, it felt liberating.  Most of the houses in my neighborhood were single-story, so perched atop the roof, I spied a vast sea of houses spreading from horizon to horizon – the suburbs of Los Angeles County.  And from my vantage point, I felt free, and sort of disconnected from the world, but at the same time strongly linked to everything and everyone around me.  It's a feeling I miss, and one that I haven't experienced for a long time, but this picture reminded me of it.

I don't know why, but I felt I had to share that.  Anyway, back to regularly-scheduled programming: me not posting.  Hahaha

Hope everyone's doing great though.  The new year rears its lovely head in just over a day! =)

The holidays and why I hate religion

A few years ago I would have said, "Merry Christmas," but it seems as though the amount of time I spent in Catholic schools has made me less and less religious.  I was quite a fervent believer when I was a child, but not so much now.  I've realized how much devastation, sadness, and mayhem religion causes throughout the world, even the allegedly less-militant religions like Christianity.

I can't begin to tell you how many times I have suffered under the judgement of someone who called themselves a Christian.  Someone who, on one hand preaches the tenets of Jesus – who himself said, "judge not, lest ye be judged" – but on the other hand slathers everyone around them with the label "sinner" or "heathen".

One of the first people I came out to was my best friend from middle school – we'll call him Charlie.  Charlie and I had known each other since the sixth grade, even though we only went to the same school for one year.  We had so many things in common – from our interests to our humor, to even how we approached things like school (not very well back then, but at least we had that in common).  Despite not being at the same school after sixth grade, we kept in touch.  He lived on the other side of LA – about a forty minute drive – but maybe once every couple of months we'd get together and spend a weekend at each others' houses.  We'd stay up all night and play games, talk about Dungeons & Dragons, and do other nerdy things.  Outside of those few weekends we'd spend hanging out, we'd keep in touch over the Internet on AIM or ICQ.

When I finally learned how to drive, I'd take more frequent trips up to see him, and he'd do the same when he got his license.  We knew each other so well, and had such a connection, that I couldn't help but believe he knew my secret.  I had never had a girlfriend (well, I had one, but she wasn't really a "girlfriend", per se), I never talked about girls, and when I would write my stories, I would never include them.  I figured all of this would amount to some evidence that made him realize that I was gay, and that he wasn't saying anything, or asking anything, because he respected my privacy.

Interestingly, he was always a bit girly himself.  I thought for a bit, when I was younger, that he might be gay, but I immediately dismissed it as ridiculous because he talked about girls all the time, and he also included them in his stories all the time.  He drew them, had them as wallpapers, and all sorts of things.  Anime girls (he's Asian, so I guess that's not a surprise, necessarily), but girls nonetheless.  Some time after I came out to him, he confided in me that, for a while, he had been struggling with his own secret: gender identity.  He identified more with being a female tomboy, who was a lesbian, than being a male who liked women.  He later "got over that phase", and while I am sure he still has those feelings, he's not really going to address them any more than he did.  He did tell me some other things about his struggles during his high school years, but out of respect for him, I won't share them, even here, where no one in the world would ever find out his identity.

Stepping backward a bit, when I finally was comfortable with myself enough to come out to someone, I felt who would be a better choice than him?  He knew me better than anyone had ever known me before, and I felt I owed him a bit of honesty.

So one balmy Saturday night, after we had gone to get some food from the only Carl's Jr open after midnight in his city, I told him.

"I've known I've been gay since I was really young," I said simply.  I worked it into the conversation so the segue made sense.  I think it was so smooth that he didn't immediately react.

"Wait, what?" he said.  "You're gay?"

I nodded.  "I'm sure you've already figured that out, all these years," I said.  My heart was pounding, and I was searching his face for any any semblance of information – that little blip that would betray his thinking.  There was nothing but surprise.

"Wow," he said.  "No, I had no idea."

We talked for a bit longer.  He seemed comfortable albeit a bit caught off-guard.  I went home thinking, it wasn't so bad.  It wasn't good, in the sense that he was totally 100% okay with it, but it wasn't bad.

When we next met up, we got into a discussion again, this time about religion.  I knew he was religious – that a few years previously, he'd taken after his mom and joined a church, and started going to bible study and the like – but I didn't know to what extent.  He never really talked about his faith, and never really showed it outside of praying before meals.  Inevitably, he segued over to how religion views homosexuality.  He says, "God considers it a sin."

I shot back, "Does he?"

He seemed pretty sure of himself.  I explained.

"Look," I said.  "The bible talks about homosexuality once in the Old Testament.  It's along the same lines as how it talks about eating shellfish, or dealing with a rebellious son: all of them are 'abominations' and require one to be put to death."

He seemed interested so I continued.  "Basically, all those other laws are not applicable, so why is this one?  Why did we choose to listen to this law and not the others?  In the New Testament it's not even mentioned by Jesus, but by Paul, who also said that women are subservient to men, and a bunch of other things we don't consider valid today.  So again, why concentrate on this particular one, and not the rest?"

He shrugged.  "I don't know," he said.  "But my Pastor says that God is pretty clear on this."

"Maybe you should ask him," I said.  "I think you should get his take on why we take this law so seriously and not the other laws that we consider archaic."

He shook his head, "I don't really want to."

"Why not?  There's value in asking questions about your teachings.  It's how you learn more."

"Like I said, I don't really want to," he replied.  "It's okay – we all sin.  Me, you – everyone."

"It's not a sin–" I said, getting angry.  I felt I was going to cry.

"I can't look at it any other way."

So there it was.  He was calling me a sinner, and not even taking to heart what I said about the bible – the book that I studied for over a decade in my years growing up with Catholic school.  I had read it from cover to cover – literally – and have critically analyzed its pages over the years.  I doubt he could say the same, but yet here we were.  And perhaps most angering, he didn't even want to ask his pastor about it.  All he said was, "I don't really want to," – case closed.

I was very hurt, disappointed, and disillusioned – but most of all, I was angry.  I wasn't angry at him (well, maybe a little bit, for his willful ignorance), but angry at religion in general: it took away my best friend's support from me, and put it in the hands of his peers, who gladly sat around judging everyone who came past, but never once looking at themselves.

I came to the conclusion a while later that one of the primary requirements of religion was to feel guilt.  This guilt doesn't have to have a source: you should just feel guilty for living (after all, original sin is your fault).  I've heard and read about how terribly this guilt affects peoples' daily lives; how they have sleepless nights thinking about death and about going to hell, and how they can't wait to atone for their sins, only to be cast back to the guilty because of something they did or thought they did.  It's a never-ending cycle.  In the meantime they see us: the "sinners" and the "heathens", going about our daily lives, free of this great cloud of guilt which surrounds their every waking (and dreaming) moment, and they are disgusted.  So they judge, and they cast their judgement upon us, so that we may "come to the light," AKA feel guilty like they are.  It's a two-birds-one-stone deal: their jealousy towards us is gone, and now we are just as miserable as they are.  And you know what they say about misery loving company.

But very rarely is a religious person able to "save" a heathen like us rabid homosexuals from the fires of hell, so they attempt to legislate morality instead, so even though we don't feel this deep, shameful guilt like they do, we can't be happy with our lives anyway, because we lack the fundamental rights that they do.

This is why they are so scared of us getting equal treatment.  It's not because they feel that we're going to "ruin America" (although, they probably talked themselves into believing that); it's because if they can't lord themselves over us using our basic human rights anymore, then they lose all control over us, and their ability to feel schadenfreude at-will, and consequently feel better about themselves (and vastly superior), even if for a faint moment.

That's why I hate religion, and why the holidays are close behind.

Well I can check that off my list

Semester? Done!

Indeed, things wrapped up nicely yesterday as I took my last final.  I have no idea what my grades are going to be; I can't even fathom.  I'm hoping they're decently high, as I have lots of plans for what I want to do after I get my bachelor's =3

So, I haven't been around much.  For that I apologize.  I owe lots of people emails and whatnot that I've been neglecting.  I know, previously I said I would write more often, but as it turned out, that became virtually impossible as time went on, with lots of homework, and studying, and all sorts of not-so-fun-stuff. But!  In the end, I think it was worth it.  Things are looking good.

Next term starts in about two weeks, and I'm looking forward to it.  There will be some really interesting classes that I'm definitely excited about =)

The first snow fell a few weeks ago, and it's been really cold lately.  Nightly temperatures are in the double-digit negative range, which means my car has trouble starting in the morning.  I got winter tires few days after the first heavy snowfall, but I haven't gotten a block heater yet (mainly because I haven't been able to afford it).  I think it's close to $240 to get it installed, so I've been putting it off.  So far, my car's been able to start every time, despite the cold, so it's possible I may be able to get away with not having it this winter. I don't know what cold oil does to the engine, though, so it may be that I should get one anyway, or I'll be ruining my car.

I don't spend much time outside, thankfully, because it's really very cold, but if the wind isn't blowing, it's actually bearable.  Our finals were held in a building way way far away from where the normal cluster of buildings are, so I ended up walking quite a ways to get there.  There's something of a wind tunnel on campus between some buildings, and it just so happened that I had to pass through that tunnel, so it wasn't fun, I'll tell you.

Things with Kyle have been uneventful.  His program is a lot more difficult than mine (plus it's not his first year), so most of his time is spent doing labs, studying, and reading.  I had a lot of homework, too, but it's more tedious and time-consuming than it is difficult.  I'm sure things will become more challenging as time goes on (if my econ test is an accurate predictor, it will), but so far it's been steady.  I picked up some work from a friend of mine at home (computery stuff) that I finished up a couple of weeks ago.  Proceeds from said project will help pay down my debt, and I've been told another project may be up-coming.  So for this, I am happy.  I've not been able to find a job on-campus (most all work is OWSP, which is part of the work-study program, and international students cannot participate in that; the few jobs that aren't OWSP aren't hiring at the moment), so I'm glad I got some work in the meantime.  I can finally get a job in-town around March of next year, so this should hold me off until then.

Other than that, daily life just sort of is at the moment.  Many days it feels like I'm waiting for something to happen, but I realize that there isn't anything.  This is my life at the moment.  I think I'm having trouble settling into that thought, and so I'm a bit wound up because of it sometimes (i.e., I feel like I'm neglecting some responsibility that I don't actually have).  I don't know why I'm having such difficulty adjusting to life up here, but I think it's gotten better over time.  I'm sure I'll get used to it the more time goes by.  I miss a lot of my friends from back home, but I've made a lot of good ones here, too.  I've been to a few parties, and had some decent fun, so the good times are only beginning.

Over break, I plan to not do much of anything.  Just relax, play games, and eat good holiday food.  I think I can get on-board with that.  Come January, if all goes well, I'll have a pretty tight schedule that I'll need to balance.  It will be fun, and difficult, but worthwhile.  I can feel it.

Happy holidays to all of you out there =)  I don't know when I'll write again.  Only when I have something substantive to say (ha ha, that never happens =P), which I hope happens sooner rather than later.  You've all been great <33

-skybluekid

OMGHI

Wow, it's been nearly two weeks!

I've been so busy, it's unreal.  I have two more tests next week, one in Econ, where the prof is so terrible I literally have to go back to the beginning of the book and re-read the text =\  A lot depends on this test, too, so I've really gotta put my foot down and learn that shit.

Things have been going well.  I think I'm finally starting to feel at home, even though there are times when I miss LA, its sunshine, and the activity.  It's a huge contrast to this place.

I've been writing for the student newspaper here.  So far my stories have been liked by all, and one of them even made the front page of last week's issue!  This week I'm writing about the recent midterm elections in the U.S. (which I am extremely disappointed in, but that's a story for another day).

I've also been meaning to work out some.  I've probably lost around 20 lbs since I've gotten here, mostly for two reasons: 1) the cafeteria food sucks, and 2) I'm so busy all the time, I barely have time to eat.  I think it helps that food is also really expensive.  I should be down to 160 soon, which is perfect for my height.  Then I just need to work out a bit so I'm toned, like I was when I was a freshman/sophomore in high school, when I was in martial arts and kicking ass =P

Other than that, life is good.  There are ups and downs every day, and I've been a generally melancholy person lately.  I don't know if it's the weather, the stress of school, or whatever... but I do know that I need to change my default disposition to something a bit more happy.  No use being glum when there is so much life to live!

I'm sure I'll have more to say over the weekend.  I promise I'll write!  I've been so busy.  I've also neglected emailing people and hopping on IM.  I'm sorry to all of you =(  I promise I'll make it up somehow!  <33

-skybluekid

A bit of a relief

So I ended up getting a 70% on my math midterm.  A 70% exactly.

Way better than I thought, but not as good as it could have been.  My messing up the special triangles notwithstanding, I made some dumb mistakes that probably cost me a good 5 or 6 points, and if I had done the special triangles correctly, I would have gotten at least another six points on top of that, possibly bringing me up to the 80%+ range.  Ugh.

Oh, well.  It's better than failing, and I still have a chance of getting an 80% in the class if I play my cards right.

Time to have a good weekend =)  It's going to be relaxing.  I'm doing stuff at the newspaper today for a bit but other than that, free time for me =)

^_^

-skybluekid

My brain on math

It's been a week of ups and downs, but it's ending on a high note, so I'm actually content.

My math test on Tuesday would have been fine, but it turned out to be a semi-disaster.  I'm usually decent at remembering things, and tests of the brainy sense have said that I have a bit of an eidetic memory.  It's usually limited to things I consciously try to remember, and it has to be visual (though I think that's a prerequisite anywhere).  But if circumstances are right, I can usually recall a piece of information rather accurately, without trying.  No mnemonics, no swiftly-jotted notes, no recall tricks.  I just remember.

On the other hand, abstract concepts elude me.  Abstract in the sense that, those things have no deeper meaning, like numbers.  Numbers and equations, to me, mean nothing, so I have a hard time remembering them, picturing them, and manipulating them in my head.  They're purely analytical; a representation of a static state of being – in the sense that they're numbers and represent something unchanging.  I guess my brain has a problem with that, and spits out useless dribble when I attempt to remember anything to do with numbers.

That being said, I took the time Tuesday morning to glance over my notes, using my gift of memory and trying to soak up everything on the pages so that I can come back to it later.  One of those things were the Special Triangles, with their sides and their angles.  I had trouble remembering what the proper orientation of the 30/60/90 triangle is, in the sense that, what its side lengths were (1, 2, root-3) relative to its angles.  So I looked at the triangle and remembered that, if it is drawn with the 90º side on the right, the sides were, going counter-clockwise, 1, 2, root-3.  Easy enough.

Except I forgot to actually look at the angles associated with those lengths, namely the 30º and 60º sides.  It totally slipped my mind, to even take notice of that.  So come the test, I was suddenly unable to remember if the 30º angle was on the top, or the left.  It really was a 50/50 choice, and it turns out I chose wrong.

So all my answers, which used the special triangle, are wrong.  And that was about 60% of the test.

During the last ten minutes of the test, I suddenly realized that I may have chosen incorrectly.  I wasn't sure, though.  I knew the 45/45/90 triangle, along with its lengths, and tried to picture that triangle resizing – like doing a free transform in photoshop – into a 30/60/90 triangle, and picturing which angles were getting smaller and larger.  But, despite my suspicions I had chosen incorrectly, I turned in my test. To be fair, I would not have had enough time to correct all my answers anyway.

My only saving grace is the understanding that the instructor gives partial-credit.  I hope he realizes my mistake when he sees what I did with my special triangles, and at least gives me some reasonable points for my effort.  If I'm lucky, I passed.  If I'm unlucky, I failed.  If I failed the midterm, because of a stupid mistake, I'm going to be infinitely pissed off.  I still have a chance to pass the course, but it doesn't look promising.

So that was my big worry of the week.  I don't find out what I got, I think, until later next week, though it's possible I could find out as early as today.  I'll let you know >.<

I got back my accounting midterm, and saw that I had gotten a 100%, so that definitely made me very happy ^_^  I don't yet know what I got in geology, and my econ midterm is next month sometime.

On Monday I went to the meeting with the newspaper staff, and got assigned an article.  It's a big story going on at school, and it's possibly front-page material.  They didn't trust me enough to do it by myself, though, which is fair, considering they don't know me, so they assigned the editor to the story, too, and let us loose.  Well, the editor read my draft on Wednesday and decided I don't need any help =)  so she let me finish it up by myself =)  I had a great time, and talked to a lot of interesting people.  I interviewed the president of the student union, a dean of an affiliated medical school, and a local community leader.  I submitted my final draft yesterday, and was happy to hear from the editor-in-chief that he was very, very happy with my article.  And he loved my writing style ^_^  So it looks like I scored big on this, and I'll be getting to do more storied =)  One of the editors even suggested I apply for an editor position next year!

I spoke with the IT department after my test on Tuesday.  The manager was very interested in hiring me, and said he would get back to me soon.  He said it was a bit of an issue, because they actually needed a full-time person, but he seemed impressed with my résumé and said he'll try to work around those issues.  I haven't heard back from him yet, but I figured I'd stop by next week, either on Monday or Tuesday, to check in with how things are going.

And finally, I got my iPhone in the mail yesterday.  Finally I can get rid of this POS Sony Ericsson.

So yes, a nice closure to a pretty hairy week.  Today's a meeting with the newspaper as well, and free pizza to go along, so I've got that to look forward to =)

Unless I hear back from my math prof today regarding my test, I can safely say it's a nice way to end the week.  If I do hear back about my grade, it's going to be a 50/50 chance that I'll have a good weekend, or a weekend filled with dread.

I hope it's the former, srsly.

As always, I hope all of you are doing great =)  I wasn't on IM a lot this week because of all this work, so I'm sorry if I missed you.  There are a few emails I haven't responded to, yet, that I promise I will!

Love you all <33

-skybluekid

Winter

It's getting colder.  I'm told it will start snowing soon.  I don't know how I feel about that, to be honest.

In Los Angeles, the winters are much like the summers: cool and breezy.  And dry.  It's true that the sun doesn't shine quite as warm, and the morning light gives off a slightly-bluer hue, but overall, not much changes.  Here, though, the leaves are turning a crunchy amber, and the geese are making their way to warmer climates.  Soon, the snowfall will claim the last of the grassy fields and throw the land into a cool stasis.

Maybe that's just the type of solace I need.  A sort of break from the world; the hum of activity.  In Los Angeles, the city never sleeps, and even in the dead of night you can almost hear the molecules of air buzzing from the heat the desert sun left just the day before.

This week was good.  I knocked out two of my tests in short order, leaving only my math and economics exam.  Math will be interesting.  I am aware of, partly, how to do most of the tasks that will be on the test; however, my confidence in my math abilities is strained from years of failing at basic maths (I never did well in algebra, geometry, algebra 2, or precalc, all of which I took in high school).  I think my average grade was barely a C, and I had to repeat several of the subjects in the proceeding summers.

Either way, I'll find out just how well I'll do come Tuesday.  My math exam will be at bright and early 8am.  I can hardly wait >.<

I picked up a project with a friend of mine back home (more computery stuff; mainly programming).  It's short, easy, but will pay nicely.  I can probably crank it out in a mere 8 hours, so it's definitely weekend work for sure.  And I think I'll enjoy doing it.  My friend works for an IT company and does a lot of this kind of coding, but he doesn't have time to give things a nice polish.  I, fortunately, do have time, so I shall polish things, and get paid =)

I have a meeting with the school's IT department manager this coming Monday.  I went into the office on Wednesday to see if I can talk to someone, and it turns out I've been courting the wrong department this whole time.  See, the IT department is actually two departments: one handles network infrastructure, VoIP, and telecommunications, and the other handles servers and workstations.  I want to work for the latter, but I've been talking to people from the former, and that's why my resume hasn't been looked at yet.  Makes sense, I suppose, when you think about it, but you really can't tell from just the outside.  It all looks like one unified place.  So yeah, Monday.  Should be interesting.  The manager's getting back from a training session in California, so I think we'll have something to talk about to break the ice =P

Also on Monday, I have a meeting with the school newspaper staff.  I met some nice people when I visited the office earlier this week, and they invited me to attend their little gathering to talk about stories I want to write.  They also need help with their website, but they indicated they were going to staff that out to a paid position through the Ontario Work Study Program, which, as an international student, I don't qualify for.  Oh, well.  It's not that I actually want to work on their website.  It's just that, I saw that as sort of a way to get my foot in the door.  But, if I impress them with my writing skills, maybe I can get my foot in through that door.  We'll see =)

Next week will be interesting for sure, and if things go well, I'll have much to share come the end of the week.

There are a few other things on my mind, but I don't want to clutter up this post with those things, at the moment.  Maybe I'll make another post expounding on those things later.  Either way, I have to run, and grab dinner at the school before the cafeteria closes.

Thanks to all of you who have subscribed, messaged, and emailed.  Looking forward to talking to you guys <33

-skybluekid

Chuffed is a funny word

This week's been pretty spiffy.  I was walking outside of the cafeteria one day when I passed by a voting booth.  Turns out there was a student government election and I had no idea.  I opted not to vote, since I didn't know a single person on the ballot and it would feel wrong to just vote for random people, but I did end up talking for over an hour with the two student government chaps running the booth.

For the first time in a long while I've had a stimulating intellectual conversation.  Not to say that Kyle doesn't make good conversation, but he avoids subjects like religion and politics because it makes him decidedly angry.  Most of the time it does me, too, but every now and then I meet someone who, while possibly having some opposing viewpoints, he/she can make civil conversation and debate.  So yes, I was quite chuffed -- as the British would say -- to have such a great discussion with some pretty awesome people.

After they were done at the voting booth, we went back to the student government offices where I gave them my contact info and mentioned I wanted to volunteer.  I didn't get to spend too much time there since they were having a meeting, but I definitely want to get involved in there somehow.  I also stopped by the student newspaper office on my way out and got their schedule.  Who knows, I may write an article or two, and get published!  That would be so awesome =3

I have a test on Wednesday for my accounting class.  I'm not nervous at all.  I'm really good at the accounting work we've done so far, and I'm confident I'll do well on the test.  I just have to remember to buy a non-graphing calculator for the exam, since my TI-89 is not allowed (apparently people tend to cheat when you can program things into your calculator).  Other classes are having tests the next few weeks, too, so I have to get into gear and study for the ones that are coming up.  Math is a big one that's coming up in just a couple of weeks, and I'm not very confident in that.  We'll see how it goes.  Plenty of time, still, to work on getting better at it.  xD

I'm starting a project I'm quite excited about.  I managed to rope in a few of my friends from back home into it, and I'm gonna see if I can find some people at school who are willing to help me as well.  I won't say more about it until I have something a bit more to show for it, but I will say that it involves what I talked about in my intro post -- helping gay youth orient themselves in this crazy, crazy world -- especially now, with all the hardships we're facing.  I will definitely give more info about it in a few weeks, I promise!

No job prospects yet, sadly.  I've been encouraged by several people to do follow-ups on my applications, so I am going to do that sometime next week.  I'll just walk into the offices and speak with the managers there, and at least try to get some feedback on things.  I mean, the worst thing they can say is, "no, we're not interested," which would be ideal because at least I'd know concretely what my situation is.

Other than that, and the odd interesting moment, things are pretty normal here in Skybluekid-land.  Interesting things on the horizon though, so I'm sure I'll have much to talk about in the next few weeks.

Love you all!! <33

-skybluekid

Belonging

I started writing when I was in seventh/eighth grade, but I was making up characters and stories in my head for a lot longer than that.  My characters weren't very complex back then, and the stories were cheesy and contrived, but it was an outlet for my creativity and a way to deal with my feelings on different matters.

Character history and development is always a fun thing for me to get into.  I love thinking of a background for a character: where they were born, where they grew up, where they went to school, who their friends were, what their parents/siblings/extended family was like, etc.  It really helps me understand their motivations and why they want what they want, or need what they need.  This is a process, of course, not all of which was understood by my thirteen-year-old brain, but as I got older, I began to become more proficient at these things.

When I was younger, thinking up these histories and developing my characters was easy.  After all, I couldn't relate with adults, since they were, you know, grownups, so most of my characters were kids, but engaged in adult activities (like being spies undercover, or child prodigies/savants doing equally-important things).  But since they were kids, I didn't have to look much past their childhood to develop them.  It was just never an issue.  The adults in my stories were cutouts of what I felt adults were "supposed to be".  Of the adult characters whose personal lives I developed, not much went beyond "married to lovely wife, two kids, dog".  You know, the American dream.

The trouble started with when I got older, since at the same time, so did my characters.  These guys weren't 12/13/14 anymore, but 16/17/18.  Characters of these ages usually had active social lives (read: drinking, partying, and other vices I was too naive to really understand), had girlfriends (or boyfriends in the rare case of a female character made an appearance in one of my stories), had sex, and did other young-people things.  Suddenly, what had once been very easy for me -- identifying with my characters -- became very difficult.  I couldn't accurately simulate their lives, or come up with rich histories, because all those things -- having girlfriends, partying, drinking, etc -- were not things that I ever did.  So my characters sort of became caricatures of me: they were mostly asexual, put a lot of emphasis on friendships with each other, and were too distracted with their work (whatever that might have been) to really focus on partying or drinking.

Later in high school, I started to be able to relate more with adults.  I had started an internship at a company in Los Angeles doing stuff I was particularly good at (computery things), so the people there treated me as their peer.  I didn't get the feeling from them that they felt I was "just a kid".  My writing changed to reflect this: my characters were now older than teenagers.  They were in their twenties, mature, experienced, and confident.  More adult TV shows became interesting to me: The West Wing and JAG especially -- smart TV shows that showed complex people solving complex problems through complex interactions.  That, also, translated into my writing.  But now I definitely had a problem: these people couldn't possibly be flat.  Their personal and interpersonal relationships couldn't just be them doing their jobs and occasionally hanging out with each other.  There had to be more.  So I gave characters girlfriends and romantic interests.

But I couldn't connect with it.  I didn't "understand" the whole girlfriend thing.  I didn't understand how some random chick could motivate anyone to do something, or NOT do something, but yet television, movies, and novels all had plenty of all of that.  I felt like I was obligated to do it, but I didn't UNDERSTAND it.

It's like when my friends talked about girls.  I didn't get it.  Nothing clicked.  When they were so attracted to someone, or commented on a good-looking girl, I felt nothing.  I just smiled and nodded, because that was the proper thing to do, but I didn't understand WHY it was the proper thing to do.  Guys are supposed to have these sorts of feelings, but how do they learn when to express them, or how to express them?

It seems so obvious now, but to me it was like an epiphany that smacked me right upside the head and had my flying into a wall.  When I first realized I was gay, it suddenly all made sense.  It made sense WHY I couldn't relate with my characters and simulate their relationships.  It made sense WHY my friends talked the way they did about girls, and why they felt the way they did.  Because if I took my feelings about guys and compared, it was exactly the same, albeit "misdirected" (I put it in quotes because, being gay is not a misdirection.  I'm only saying it to illustrate a point).  Once I replaced my characters' girlfriends with boyfriends, in my head, it began to make so much more sense.  I began to understand them a lot better, and my passion for writing returned hundredfold.

Of course, having all my characters have gay relationships is a bit exaggerated in terms of reality, so I would never actually end up replacing all my characters' relationships with a same-sex one, but thinking about it did lead me to understand how to write opposite-sex relationships without resorting to callous, awkward writing.

In the end, I learned a lot about myself coming to these conclusions.  It made me realize how important it is to belong to something in order to truly be able to identify my own motivations and desires.  Until I came to that realization, I didn't "get" relationships.  I never understood why they were important to people.  I never understood why they would be a driving force in a character's story or their development.  Similarly, I never understood my own empty response to what appeared to be normative sexuality -- the whole gawking at hawt boobz did not have the desired effect.  It left me confused, bewildered, and slightly uneasy.  When I had my epiphany, all of this made sense.  My reaction to hawt ass was what my friends' reaction to hawt boobz was, and so I understood.  I not only understood my own sexuality, I understood my friends' sexuality.  Sex made sense.  Relationships made sense.  My writing made sense.

Backasswards way to get to the conclusion no doubt, but in the end, my writing played a big role in understanding who I was.  I bet, if a psychologist goes back and reads everything I've written since I first started writing things down, they'd have a field day.  Or they'd be confused at all sorts of things.  I mean, I am.  Shit, I wrote the damn things and I'm still confused.

At least I'm not confused about this, anymore.  I know who I am, now.  Yeah, it took a while, but hey, the point is I did it.

And now, to end, a picture of hawt ass <33

Hey, I wrote a novel, and it is this post

Another week has gone by.  It's not been much exciting.

Math is hard.  Like, a lot.  If it weren't for Kyle, I'd not know what to do half the time.  The prof is a part-timer, and because of that, a jerk.  He refuses to help anyone or address anything outside of class.  He keeps pointing people to the tutoring if we want it, otherwise tough shit, etc.  But, thankfully, I don't care because Kyle is really good at math and he helps me out SO MUCH I can't even begin to tell you.  I <3 him so much =P  Not just cuz he's a math genius either.  There are other reasons ;)

The school is a huge maze.  There are a dozen buildings on campus with passageways, tunnels, corridors, and various random stuff going every which way.  It's hard to find my way around but I'm getting better at it.  I enjoy spending time there and I don't feel that dread I used to feel all the time at home when the word "school" entered my thoughts.  I chalk this up to progress, and being a good thing.  My classes are going well, too.  I'm really understanding all of my subjects, and none of them are particularly worrying to me about being difficult, except maybe geology, which I'm not convinced is 100% a sane subject.  I went from really, really excited about learning more about it, to being a bit let down by the class.  The prof, while really excited about the subject, lacks a certain... I don't know... gravitas?  when presenting the materia.  So I can't help but sit there and almost fall asleep (the class is at 7pm) while she drones on and on about rocks and ... more rocks.  I'm hoping the subject will regain its magic, but unless the prof changes her lecturing style, I don't have much hope for it.  It's just gotta be something I'm gonna have to tough out.  >.<

In my last post I talked about my friend who undergoing drama at home.  Turns out things are going a bit better for him, especially with his mom.  His dad, on the other hand, not so much.  He's still digesting, from what I understand, but it's still up in the air how it's going to affect him.  My friend says his dad blames his circle of friends for him turning gay, nevermind the fact that we all know THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ANYTHING.  That doesn't stop him from being a douche and thinking that.  So yeah, "bad choice of friends," was the quote, if I remember correctly, and his dad may be putting his foot down re who he can hang out with.  Stupid.  I hope he comes around like his mom.  His sister helps lots, too, which is good.  She had always been supportive, from the very beginning, and helped get his mom out of her stupid mood.  I wish him lots of luck, and I'll post here if/when anything changes.  As I mentioned in my last post, I'm still worried about the fact that his being gay will spawn interesting and unexplored conversations between his parents and my parents, during which they will freely discuss and speculate on things, possibly my own sexuality, which will make MY family paranoid and questioning, since my parents watched my friend grow up, in addition to me, and his childhood/relationships are strikingly similar to mine, so I think they'll maybe start connecting the dots.

And that's not a conversation I want to have with them anytime soon.  Like, really.  The thought of that just makes my skin crawl.  I can't bear thinking about how shitty that would be.  Anyhow, no use worrying.  Just hope for the best...

No word on the job front yet, either.  No place has called me back, and it's now been almost two weeks, so I won't hold my breath any longer.  Once my six months is up (yeah, that's a while from now... I know...) I'll just apply for work in-town.  Apparently, I'm not good enough to work at school =(  why I don't know.  My resume's impressive (haha jk it's not =\), and I even printed it on nice paper!!  T_T  The guy even commented on how nice the paper was >.<  I spent $7 on that nice paper too -.-

When I moved here, my phone from the US didn't work any longer.  It was a Motorola Droid, and I loved it with all my heart.  I loved it like I would a dog, or cat, or gerbil.  Okay, just kidding; maybe not a gerbil.  But definitely a cute cat or something.  Anyway, I had to give it up because it wouldn't function here.  So when I went to go get a new cell phone, I wanted one that was a smartphone.  I'm hooked on the awesomeness of a smartphone with all the apps and interwebs and email... and facebook... must. get. So yeah, it surprised me when they told me that they don't have much of a smart phone selection.  They stocked a bunch of BlackBerries, but like, srsly, I hate BB (nothing wrong with them, I just strongly dislike them).  All the Android phones they had were shitty or old, and the iPhone was perpetually sold out like, all the time.  So I went with a crappy Sony Ericsson because it was the best phone they had to offer.  It has the old Android OS but there will be an upgrade.  Or, well, there was going to be one.  See, the old Android OS sucks, lots, and the only reason I bought this phone was because the OS is in for an upgrade to the 2.x series.  But it turns out it's been delayed THREE TIMES and it's still not official on when it's going to come out.  So I called Rogers, the phone company, pissed off that I'm locked in a two year contract with a shitty-ass phone that they can't even be bothered to update.  Well, I worked out a deal that says I can get the always-sold-out-iPhone MAILED to me as a replacement.  I'm like, YIPEE!!!  I'm not a huge iPhone nut, but like, anything's better than this POS.

Unfortunately, I had to wait until October 3rd to get it because of a mandatory, something-or-other, waiting period.  Anyway, the lady calls me like, Tuesday, to tell me that they can actually send it to me now, and to call back and have one of the reps fire off an email to her (since they can't transfer me) and let her know to call me back.  So I did that and I heard nothing.  A day went by and I called back and said, basically, "look you idiots, I called you back and had you email her like you asked me to, but she never called back.  Email her again, plox, and this time tell her to JUST DO IT, but still call me back".  Yeah, that was Thursday, and I haven't heard shit yet.

I want my phone... so hopefully she got my message and is doing it and will call me back ASAP.

Anyway.

Oh man, this is a hugely long post.  Here I thought I had nothing to talk about, but then it turns out I have LOTS to talk about xD

I'll stop for now and maybe make a post later today or something.  Sorry this is rambly and stuff.  I stayed up all night, 'cause I could, and so I'm really tired and sleepy and a bit wonky.  But I'm ready for bed and will sleep a few hours and then go to bed earlier today because I have school tomorrow (weeee =P).

If I have nothing to say, I'll post an update  AT LEAST once a week, so, fret not, I'm still alive, just lacking on things to say (or the time to say it).

Anyway, cheers to all of you.  You know I love you <33

-skybluekid

PS - Sorry again about the crappy grammar/rambling/TLDR longasspost.  I swear I'll make better ones next time.  I won't be so out of it.

Wasting money sucks =\

So here we are... the weekend has come and gone, and I'm ready to jump into another week at school.

This weekend wasn't much.  Kyle works overnights and so our schedules end up crossing... he'll come home and go to sleep, and I'll wake up and be up while he's sleeping.  Then he has to go to work.  >.<

None of the places I applied to got back to me yet.  I can't work anywhere else but school right now until my six months have passed as mandated by the government, so I'm kind of stuck without a job unless one of these places gets back to me.  I mean, it's only been a week, but I'm not feeling very confident on getting hired unfortunately.  I did end up dropping a class (that Canadian Government class) because the prof is ridiculously bad and I don't want to fail the course.  I'll take it next term because I'm interested, and this guy's not teaching next term.  But that does mean that my schedule's freed up quite a bit, which I will let my prospective employers know (since they like to know your schedule so they can see if it's worth hiring you).

I hope that gets me in good with them.  Or, I mean, in better with them xD

A friend of mine who's still in high school came out to me not long ago, even though it was painfully obvious he was gay from the day I met him.  Either way, he finally said he was comfortable with it enough to accept himself and share with others, and he told me.  Since I never came out to him ever (our parents are friends and we were never classmates), I decided I'd let him know, too.  He wasn't surprised either XD  Anyway, he came out to his parents unintentionally on Saturday (his mom kind of boxed him into a corner and he had no choice but to confirm it), and his parents freaked right out.  I didn't get much of a chance to talk to him about it today since I was distracted most of the day by random chores and homework (and the inevitable 1.5 hour phone call to my parents T_T), but I could tell he was really agitated.  I hope I get to talk to him about it tomorrow, since I can feel what he's going through and I really wished I had someone to talk to when I started coming out.

On a side note, I'm a bit worried about him being forced out of the closet for mainly two reasons.  His parents and my parents are good friends, so no doubt his parents and my parents will talk... I hope during those conversations, nothing about my sexuality comes up, because my parents are not ready for that, but I don't doubt that they've suspected for a while.  I mean, it is a bit obvious, but they've never just up and asked me.  Secondly, I hope my friend doesn't drop my name in a conversation with his parents.  He always kind of looked up to me, but I don't want him to use me as a sort of an "example of a gay person" to his parents.  I don't want to be outed like that, because then my parents will FOR SURE know, and then I'm screwed.

I trust him enough for him not to do that.  There was a reason I told him to begin with, despite the risks of him being so closely connected with my family.  But, it doesn't stop me from slightly worrying about it.  Slightly.

I'll keep you guys updated on how things go on his end.  His mom's a spazz and religious nut, and his dad is pretty homophobic.  He was telling me briefly, before he logged, that his mom said he should get psychological and religious counselling.  =\  he's in a bad situation right now, so I really hope his parents chill out and stop fussing.  That kind of behavior really affects someone, and not in a good way.  It could ruin not only the rest of his teenage years, but also his relationship with his parents forever.  So yeah.  Here's hoping things get better quickly T_T

I bought some freshly-caught fish from the grocery store the day before yesterday.  All weekend I had no time to cook it, and it went bad.  Two fillets cost me $20... I'm so pissed.  They were really expensive but they were FRESH and looked GODLY.  *sigh* so much for fish for a while.  I can't afford any for a bit.  -.-

Alright, that's enough rambling for one evening.  Baiii <33

-skybluekid

Boring days are boring

I've not written anything for a bit because I don't really have much to say.

It appears that things are finally settling in.  I've started doing things in a routine, been trying to go to bed on-time (I mean, I've been trying to get at least 8 hours of sleep, not necessarily going to bed "early"), and stuff like that.  Going pretty good so far.

I've not heard back from any jobs yet, but I mean, it's only been two days so I don't know what I expect.  Haha, maybe I want them to hurry up and hire me for my cute looks and awkward expressions =P ^_^

School's going well.  I've got a quite bit of homework that I've been having to do, but so far it's nothing out of my understanding.  Even math is decently OK.  I hope it stays that way T_T  haha

I'm sure something exciting will happen in the next couple of days.  I hope xD

What's your favorite day of the week?

Mine is Thursday.  I don't know why, but Thursdays are awesome.  They feel like you're just closing off the week, but you're not quite there yet.  You feel satisfied and accomplished, but yet ready to steel yourself for the final days of the week before the liberation of the weekend.

Today's a Monday, though, which is definitely not my favorite day.  I've gotten better at experiencing Mondays, though, since I've moved here.  They don't seem as icky and unapproachable... they feel more like a new chapter in life rather than a repeating circle of hell.  Fun!

I got all the books for my classes.  Tomorrow I'm going to that poli-sci class that I just added over the weekend.  My accounting class is getting really interesting as the days go by.  The teacher is really good, and very engaging.  I'm learning a lot from him.  Can't wait to learn even more!  My economics prof drones on and on, and struggles with his computer constantly.  Half the class was shouting in sync at him, telling him what to press on his computer, to get something to work.  He's kind of ridiculous, but thankfully I've made a friend in that class and we're surviving it together.  He's pretty cute, and a fun fellow to talk to.  He's working on joining the Canadian Air Force after he gets his degree.  He already has his commercial pilot's license, which I think is so awesome.  I've always wanted to learn how to fly xD  I gave him a ride home today after class, since he would have had to wait almost an hour for a bus to take him across town.  The car ride was short; a bit under ten minutes, so I didn't mind.  Hope we get to know each other better =)

I dropped off my resume at a couple of places on campus.  I'm hoping to pick up a job, and sooner rather than later.  They don't have much jobs open for international students, since most students qualify for the work-study program and most of the jobs are reserved for those guys.  Sucks >.<  but, the places I did apply to are going to be pretty fun to work in, so I'm crossing my fingers and hoping I get an offer ^^

Tomorrow's a rather short day.  I have class in the morning at 10:30, and then another class in the evening at 7, so most of my day is free.  I don't know what I'll do yet, but I do know I have a bunch of math homework I have to finish before Friday... ugh.  I hate math... so far it's not difficult but I fear I'll soon lose my grasp on it and it will become hard.  I hope not.

I wanted to say to the few of you who emailed me, thanks so much!!  I love hearing from people ^^  if I haven't written you back, I'm sorry.  I've been really busy, but I promise I'll write back soonish!  <33 to you all =D

-skybluekid

I'm periodically political

(Caution: political rant coming up)

I try not to think about it, but I can get really passionate about politics.  I read the news every day, especially things relevant to me as a young gay boy, such as Joe My God and the Prop 8 Trial Tracker.  Usually just keeping informed is enough for me, and I go about my day.  But sometimes, I can't help but let myself become infuriated at one story or another.  Most recently it was a story not about GLBT topics, but about healthcare.  Mike Huckabee, a former Republican governor from Arkansas (and now a host on Fox News), was complaining at some political event about a new law denying insurance carriers from refusing insurance against people who have pre-existing conditions:

Here's a clip - it's short (1:30)

He compares asking for insurance when you have a pre-existing condition to asking for insurance after your house burns down.

Okay, first of all, where the fuck do I start?  Maybe that you can't compare the two, because one can be rebuilt since it's not alive, and the other cannot?  Maybe you don't die after your house burns down (presuming you're not in it of course) if you can't get it insured, but you certainly will die if you somehow aren't covered after being diagnosed with heart disease and you're trying to switch to a different provider?

The fact that he would equate a person's health and well-being to a house is really stupid, callous, insulting, and down-right just plain mean.

In reality, he doesn't want to pay for people.  In his mind, if you can't afford healthcare, or are unlucky enough to come down with diabetes, heart disease, or any number of diseases that you would have a good chance of getting as you age, you don't deserve to be treated.  At least, not without paying a buttload of money.

I don't get why these people don't just up and say, "yeah I don't want to pay any taxes, I don't want to give any money away, I don't want to do any of that because I earned my goddamned money and if you don't have any, you can just die in a ditch.  What's mine is mine, you feckless bum.  You can't have any of it, because I'm better than you"


Because while they're not saying that, they are saying that, and it drives me up the wall.


Similarly, that's exactly their stance on gay rights.  If it's not religion, it's just "not natural" or "not traditional" or "hyper-normal", or whatever their excuse is this week.  But in reality, it's just they think they're better than us 'cause they're straight.  They feel that heterosexual relationships are superior to gay relationships, for the simple fact that they just are.  No way around it; no need to explain.  It's just the way it is.

So yeah, you can see I get worked up >_<

I usually try not to, because I know I can't change anything.  I know I can't do anything about what's going on in U.S. politics, so I'm just getting upset over nothing.  And so I just try to read the news, and breathe deeply whenever I feel myself getting irritated over some thug who starts preaching how I'm the scum of the earth and how he is the shit, and how the whole country should get behind him and his ideas because god knows, a greater genius could not have come up with a better plan.


Speaking of politics, I registered for a class called Canadian Government, because I had a slot for a class free (I was originally registered for a music class, but ended up dropping it after I decided I wasn't too interested in taking it this semester).  It always annoyed me how Kyle has so little understanding of politics here.  I would ask him questions every now and then about things and he has no idea.  I mean, I'm not a political buff or anything, but I think the least a citizen of a country can do is to understand how his/her government works.  After all, they have to live under its rule for their entire lives (unless they emigrate, but that's a whole different issue).  So, since Canada may become my adopted country (who knows what the future holds, yeah?), I figured I should enlighten myself about its government.  The parliamentary system always intrigued me, and in some ways I feel it has advantages over the presidential system the U.S. uses.  So I'm excited to get started and dive in and learn ^^


Friday was a pretty ordinary day.  Other than my math lecture in the afternoon, I did nothing.  When Kyle and I came home, we just played SimCity 4 a bit, and then he went to work.  I ended up staying up until 6am (much like this evening T_T) watching a hilarious British sitcom called My Family.  Kyle's really into it and torrented the eps, so I started to watch the first season.  It's hilarious!


Today was much the same as yesterday, except without a class.  I woke up late (around 4pm XD) and just relaxed all day.  I don't have any homework, so I don't have to do anything.  I played games most of the day (Diablo 2!).  Kyle and I had dinner and then he went to work.  I stayed up and watched White Collar (a great TV show by the way... I'm all caught up now, and I'm soooo irritated by the end UGH why do they DO that?!  Stupid cliffhangers >.<).  Now I'm writing this journal, and then I'm going to sleep.


Weeeee ^_^


Oh, that reminds me.  Friday I also got my medical insurance, which I get through the school.  I was a bit miffed that the school didn't say anything on what I had to do to get it in the first place, so when I got a letter from them saying I hadn't enrolled yet and I should have when I started, I hopped right over to the international students' office and got it taken care of.  They apologized at the fact that they never told me, so I suppose I shouldn't harbor a grudge.  The person's who's handling it is just a month into the job.


In the meeting she was talking about the facilities on campus (there's a clinic with a real doctor there during business hours) and the benefits I get from the insurance (doctors' visits, emergency room coverage, prescriptions, dental, optometric, and a bunch of other stuff).  It's crazy... all of this for under $1000 for the whole year, whereas in the U.S., to get that level of coverage you have to pay way, way more.  I remember my mom complaining about how much my health insurance costs, so I think she's really happy that it's a lot cheaper now through the school here.  I love universal healthcare XD


Anyway, during the talk about the facilities, she mentioned the gym on-campus, which is, apparently, huge.  Indoor track and field, rock wall, pools (yes, plural), weight room, tennis and basketball courts, and the list goes on... it reminded me that I should start doing some of that stuff.  I used to be in martial arts a couple of years ago, but then I quit because things were getting pretty intense in my life.  Since then I haven't really worked out much, and a few months before I came here my appetite really picked up and I put on a bit of weight.  I'm still thin, but a bit softer, which I've never been.  Since I moved here, though, my appetite went back to "normal" (or what it's always been) and I lost most of it, so I'm happy about that =D   The only issue is, I want to start working out so I'm not the lanky kid I've (almost) always been.  Problem is, Kyle is adverse to anything physical (he's thin too, though, so he doesn't really need to worry about it), and I don't want to go by myself.  I guess, though, that I'll have to if I want to do anything.  I don't want to go all uber-muscly, but a bit of definition never hurt anyone.  That, and my stamina SUCKS, so anything to bring that up would be great.


Oh man, this turned out to be a long post about a bunch of random things.  Well, Sunday, 6am is a pretty random time to be posting a blog.  Add to that the fact that I haven't gone to sleep yet, and I guess that explains the randomness.


So, my apologies on the spaghetti I just threw everywhere =)  my next post will be more coherent, I promise ^^


<33


-skybluekid

Forestry boys

Yesterday I didn't write, 'cause I got home at like 10:30 and I was dead.  So I just went to bed.  I almost forgot to brush my teeth... that's how tired I was xD  So, sorry!!  I'm making up yesterday right now though.

Not like there's much to tell either way.  Met a cute boy yesterday in the cafeteria and we talked for like, an hour over lunch/dinner, while I was waiting for Kyle to get out of class.  He's in forestry, and I've always been fascinated what the heck forestry is, and what they do as a major.  So we talked about that, and about politics and what-not.  Which is always a great conversation, apparently, with Canadians, because they tend to have a not-so-great opinion of the U.S. (not that I blame them for the most part).  Unfortunately, he also had some terribly untrue conceptions of our government in general, so I had to clear those up for him.  I felt I did my part by providing some civic education about the U.S. to a foreigner =P  Turns out he's also in my econ class so maybe I found a buddy I can hang out with there =)

Other than that, not much else to tell.  I bought Diablo II the other day.  I loved that game when I was younger, and one of my friends here decided he'd play it so he convinced me to buy it we can play it together =)

I've had trouble getting my math textbook.  The bookstore ran out of copies and I'm kind of unable to get one... and there's an assignment due tomorrow.  Yeah, I know.  I'm actually about to email the prof and let him know.  I don't know when the store will have copies in, but they said they would call.  In the meantime I found one on Amazon for like $60, so I've jumped on that copy, but now I have to wait for it to get to me.  The prof didn't even have one on reserve at the library, so I can't even figure out how I'd be expected to get the assignment in to him.  >_<  I hope he cuts me a break.  I hate to miss an assignment... the first assignment, too, before school has even gone into motion.  *grumble*

Yesterday I also bought my books.  Half a thousand dollars, yessir.  I'm the opposite of in the money.  In the debt?  OH YEAH, SEXY.

T_T

Tonight is geology class.  I hope it's not as stupid as last time and I can actually hear myself think.  XD  Oh, and I'm going on that field trip!!  I confirmed my attendance yesterday, so it's ON =D

Maybe I'll have more to write about tonight, after I get back from school.  If yes, expect a post.  If not, see you all tomorrow <33

-skybluekid

Mmmm sleeeeep

I was able to sleep in today.  I ended up sleeping in quite a lot, though.  I don't know why but I felt soooo sleepy when my alarm went off 9 hours after I had gone to bed, so I decided to ditch the alarm and went for sleeping in.  I ended up waking up at 3-ish.  XD

Kyle had class really quick so I dropped him off, but he forgot his coffee in my car so I had to sneak into his lecture and give it to him =3  After that I hung out at the library until it was time for my geology class.

Tomorrow I'll have a bit of time in the morning.  I need to buy my math textbook and a few other things before I head to class.

OH I'M SO HAPPY.  I got approved by the bank here for a credit card.  Never in a million years did I think I'd get one!  In the U.S. I'd been declined so many times until finally I got one last year, but the credit limit was only $700.  Here they don't have check cards, so it's just a debit card that I get, and the bank charges you $0.60/transaction!  So stupid!  And I hate carrying around cash so I was really miffed.  But now that I have a credit card I can use here, I don't get charged and that makes me happy ^^  So I'll be using this one for all my purchases, but I have to make sure not to keep anything on it.  I don't want to go into debt =$  I didn't think I'd get it, because when I opened a bank account here they asked me if I wanted a credit card and I told them I'm from the U.S., which means I don't have an SIN (their version of the SSN) or anything, but they said I can apply without one.  So I did, not thinking I'd actually get it, but hey!!  I got it!!  $1000 too XD

So my first couple of days at school went well =)  My geology prof is so cute.  She is so excited about rocks I don't even know how to describe it to you, but she totally got me onboard to go on a field trip.  I know, nerdy!  A geology field trip!  But I'm just so eager to just jump in, meet people, and experience things, I'm gonna do it.  She's got me excited about rocks hahaha ^^  I can tell her class is gonna be fun.  What sucks is there are like two hundred kids in her class, and the ones next to me are stupidly immature.  Passing notes, whispering, giggling, right when I'm trying to listen to the prof so I can take good notes to get a good grade and pass her class and stuff... I mean, srsly, guys, it's uni, not high school.  If you want to be stupid go outside.  No one's gonna stop you or give you detention.  Or better yet, don't show up.  Drop the class.  Let me listen without having to hear you babble about how wasted you got last night that you started drinking out of a shoe (true story.  I overheard D=)

But other than a slightly-miffed skybluekid cuz of the idiots in geology, I'm really enjoying school so far.

Tomorrow's another day!!

<33

First day of school!

And it was magical =)

OK OK so let's start at the beginning before I squee about random things.

Woke up early.  That has me really tired right now btw.  I'm practically falling asleep writing this >.<  But yes, early.  Went to Staples really quick to pick up some supplies ($60+ worth of supplies =\) and then Kyle and I headed to school.  We got there a bit earlier than we needed to, so we hung out in a building for a bit, and then Kyle went off to class.  I spent most of the time just walking around and getting a sense of the place.  His class was short... only about an hour.  We met up afterwards and went to get lunch at the cafeteria.  It was pizza =P  (what else??  It's a uni!  hahaha)

We met a mutual friend there and hung out until my first class: math.  Ick, I know.  But in the end it wasn't that icky after all.  The prof was really hilarious and the hour went by really fast.  Afterward, Kyle had a class so I walked around some more and hung out at the library.  Then we went for dinner in the residents' cafeteria (I bought a meal card for that instead of the regular one)... it was SO GOOD, you have no idea.  They make everything in front of you, and they even had fresh waffles topped with caramelized peaches, cinnamon, and vanilla cream.  They made it right there!!  In front of me!!  It was DELISH.  After that I had an evening class at 7.  No biggie there, and he let us out an hour before we were supposed to since it's the first day.  I'm relieved at that, 'cause like, srsly I only had 4 hours of sleep last night so I was dying by the end there.  But it's all good!  I survived =)

So yeah, it was a fantastic day!  I met some really great people, saw lots and lots and lots of cute boys =3   I mean, I know I'm taken but I just can't help looking!!  So many cuties running around here it's impossible to miss =P  I walked past the Pride office like twice... I mean, I'm out and stuff, but I've never like... broadcasted my out-ness, so... I dunno.  I was gonna stop in but I chickened out.  It's something I want to do though ^^  I want to make other gay friends, and what better place than there?!  Maybe tomorrow I'll stop in... only problem is, I hear stories that only the most bizarre and crazy amongst us go to places like that, so, again, I'm a bit unsure =\  We'll see what happens.  It won't hurt to check it out, anyway.

Tomorrow is a light day, where I only have two classes (one in the morning and one in the evening), so things will be a bit more relaxed.  Either way, I'm gonna go down to campus to have lunch/dinner and try meeting some fun people!!

I'm so excited to finally be at a place where I feel that not only will I belong once I get settled in, but where I can be free to be myself and not have a care in the world other than just being me and dealing with homework.  So much potential!!!  <33

-skybluekid

School!

It's starting in just 8 hours!!  I need to get to bed.  I promise I'll write more tomorrow!!

- skybluekid <33

Steakhouses are yum!

It's 7am, and I'm just going to bed.  Go me.  >.<

I actually did not intend to stay up this late, but for some reason here I am.

Today (and by "today" I mean yesterday) was great.  Kyle and I went to a fancy steakhouse for our anniversary and had one of the best meals I've had in a long time.  The $100 for the both of us was totally worth it.  I love steak so much!  I had it with the king crab legs and a twice-baked potato.  I would have gone for the steak/lobster combo, but that was nearly $10 more expensive, so I decided not to.  It would've been nice though... I've never had lobster but I hear it's amazing.  Maybe next time xD

With that $100 gone, it was the last of the money I made over my summer job that I quit last month in order to move up here.  I really need to find a job up here, and soon, because if I don't my student loan debt is going to be through the roof.  Even as-is, it's expensive.  I mentioned earlier that my parents are helping me pay for school, but they can't help me with all of it, so I still had to take out loans.  The interest rate is bizarrely high (almost 10% per year), which means I'm going to get owned, and fast, by the amount of money that will start piling up.  So yeah, job.  I can't get one yet (I need permission from the school to work, and I won't get it until six months have elapsed and my grades are good), but as soon as I can I'm going to start working.  At this point I don't care where.  I'm even entertaining the thought of working at Kyle's restaurant, even though I swore to myself a while back I would never take a job with this particular restaurant chain.

After Kyle went to work, I cooked.  It took about two hours to make my mom's really amazing chicken soup (it's really finicky, but tastes divine), but I didn't mind.  I enjoy cooking, as mediocre as I am at it.  I hope I'll get better, and can cook more things than just a handful of recipes I've picked up over the years, because neither Kyle nor his mom can cook very well.  Well, okay, his mom can and does cook, except she has a tendency not to season anything, so most of what she makes tastes bland, but it's filling.  Kyle's used to it, so he's unaware that there are better-tasting things out there.  For me, his mom's cooking and my mom's cooking are at opposite ends of the spectrum.  Eastern Europeans, especially from my parents' country, love their flavorings and spices, so I grew up with rich-tasting food.  Once you experience something like that, especially for the majority of your life, it's hard to get used to anything that doesn't taste similar.  So yeah, gotta bring more spice into the foods that are cooked here.  xD

School's just one day away, and I'm a bit nervous but excited.  It's going to be a major change for me, from what I've experienced, but I can already feel it's going to be a great thing.

Can't wait!!

Mining my own business

I hope you guys like the puns in my post titles.  I work hard on them, you know!  I spend a whole minute trying to come up with a good one!  xD

I didn't end up going to orientation.  I slept in.  Like, a lot.  It's okay though; my boyfriend told me everything I needed to know anyway.  The only reason I wanted to go was they were giving out sweet swag bags, and one of them had a fleece university scarf, and I was like OMGIWANTTHATSOBAD.  Oh wells >.<  maybe they'll have some left over that I can score =3

One of Kyle's co-workers (Kyle works part-time at a restaurant) is moving away to another city tomorrow, so we spent time with her and another friend today.  We were playing Super Mario Bros Wii, which is hilariously fun (and, at the same time, disturbingly sadistic).  With four people it was so chaotic, I barely knew where I was on the screen half the time, though I did get used to it enough to do okay towards the end.  Go me!!

Before we left to go hang out with them, I discovered this awesome game called Minecraft, which Kyle and I spent much of the afternoon playing.  It even has multiplayer!!  You absolutely must check it out (along with this YouTube video introducing it), because I know you'll find it as fascinating and as fun as I did ^^  There's a free version, but it's definitely worth the €10 (about $12 US) for the latest version.  When we came back and Kyle went to work, I spent several more hours playing and exploring like crazy.  Such a sweet game =)

Tomorrow's Saturday, and me and Kyle's anniversary.  It's been a few years now, and for once we get to celebrate it in person, with each other.  I am so happy you don't even know.  I don't know what we're gonna do yet, but I know it will involve some sort of yummy yummy dinner ^^  I'll let you know what we did tomorrow =)

In the meantime, remember that I love you all!!!

-skybluekid <33




PS - Remember to comment!  I love comments.  They're like food for my thoughts.  Mmmmm, braiiiiiins... erm, food.  I mean, thoughts.  Lovely thoughtful comments.  *cough*

Disoriented

So I'm sitting here, trying to figure out what to write, and I realized suddenly that I can't really recall what I did today.  I know I went to school, and I know I went grocery shopping at 1am, but the rest of the day is really a mystery to me.  How does that make sense?!

New student orientation is tomorrow.  I won't make it by 8:30 because it's 3:30 now and I'm just going to bed.  And I'm definitely not an early riser.  But I think as long as you get there around 10:30 or so it's okay, from what I gathered from the email I received from the school.  If not, then, oh well.  My sleep is more important than being told where the washrooms are.

I spent a good chunk of the day wandering around campus.  I love exploring places, and buildings (abandoned or not) serve as a particularly exciting exploration experience for me.  I don't know why I find it so fascinating, but it is.  The science building is my favorite.  The basement is a huge maze of corridors and little auxiliary walkways, and it's lined with research labs on either side where mad scientists and graduate students do all sorts of dangerous and fascinating things.  Walking those hallways really reminded me of Half-Life and Black Mesa (one of my favorite games of all-time), and made me wish that I was a science major, so I'd get to experience all those really cool things people do down there.  But, alas, I'm not cut out for a career in science or engineering, and it's probably a good decision that I don't go into that field, but that doesn't mean I can't imagine what it would be like, and be envious of people who get to do it... xD

I wanted to go jogging today.  I've been out of shape for a few years since I stopped taking martial arts and stuff.  My stamina sucks; though, to be fair, it's never been that good anyway, but I realized it's gotten decidedly worse.  I decided I'd start doing things to get into better shape.  There's no rush, so, whatever I'm in the mood for, but, something's gotta be done.  Unfortunately, today's plans fell through and I didn't end up going.  Maybe I'll get a chance to go tomorrow evening, since I like going when it's cooler.  The school's campus is amazing and beautiful, and I can't think of a better place to spend a bit of time jogging around.

School starts Monday, and I'm really excited.  I can't wait to jump in and start the year, start meeting new people, and just learn new things.  The weekend comes first, though, and on Saturday, Kyle and I celebrate our anniversary.  I don't know what we're going to do yet, but I want to do something fun and memorable.

By the way... Owl City's new song, "To the Sky", is fantastic!  <33

Russian reversal

It was cold and rainy today.  But there was a fair share of sun keeping things warm, otherwise it would have been unbearably cold.

I haven't been feeling well for the past couple of days.  I hope that whatever it is, it goes away soon.  I don't have much time left before school starts, and the last thing I want to do is start the year with a cold *crosses fingers*

Kyle and I went to pick up a package from FedEx that he ordered (he got the new iPod and a dock connector).  His dock connector arrived, but the iPod itself is still stuck somewhere in Kentucky.  I love how Apple's shipping is free, but it takes weeks to get something.

Afterwards, we went to this sushi place in town.  I absolutely love sushi.  It's the one single food that I could, literally, have every single day for the rest of my life and never get tired of eating it.  Naturally, I couldn't eat the same kind of sushi every day, so give me a little variety please.  But yeah, sushi.  Yum!

My parents are quite overbearing.  Even 2,000+ miles away, they still insist on talking to me several times a week.  Last Saturday, I was quite busy, and I told them when they called I couldn't talk for very long.  Today my mom told me that my dad was upset because I said I couldn't talk long, and how "it's so difficult to have a meaningful conversation since we speak so rarely."  They spoke to me previously on Thursday.  That's two days.  Two days later and they're upset that they don't get to talk to me.

I love my parents.  I appreciate that they're giving me the opportunity to come to school here, but honestly, for f***'s sake, they need to back off a bit.  They expect me to talk to them twice, sometimes three times per week.  Each time the minimum conversation time is something like 30-40 minutes.  That's a significant portion of my week that goes into talking to them.  And when we do talk, it's not about anything in particular.  They ask me stupid questions that never change ("how are you settling in?" "how's the weather?" "how do you like it there?" "how are the people?").  I mean, they already know the answer.  It didn't change from last time.  Why ask it again?  That freedom I've been feeling this past week is slowly being replaced by that same, stifling dread I was feeling back at home.  I have to find a way to decrease my time spent talking to them.  I can't live my life and be happy with my bf while simultaneously trying to juggle my parents' every whim at the same moment.

Now before anyone calls me a whiner, and says that I should stop complaining, it's not quite that simple.  My parents aren't your traditional American parents.  In fact, they're not even American.  They're from conservative, Soviet-bloc Eastern Europe.  Their values clash with American values on a daily basis.  That sort of thing caused me a lot of headaches when I was younger, and fitting in with my peers was a chore; a delicate balancing act.  Conforming to American standards too much caused super-drama at home; the vice-versa caused me grief with my peers.

So I could never be myself around my parents, even to this very day.  I can never be out around my parents or extended family (or other friends of theirs from back home).  I can never really be happy while having direct contact with them precisely for those two reasons.  That's why I'm having such a hard time even this far away... it's like their presence lingers every where I go and I can't shake them.  It's like a cough that won't go away even though you're not sick anymore, and haven't been for weeks.

And every time I get that little taste of freedom; that one, glimmering ray of light that begins to shed my facade of a personality that I've had to wear while being at home for so long, the mask pops right back on, because I'm just two rings away from being reminded that, no, I'm not quite free, and won't be free for a long time.

I'm fighting the good fight, and eventually I have confidence I'll tear myself away from their controlling nature, but it's going to take time, and I can't help but feel miserable about it in the meantime.

My muse is midnight

(Two posts today!  Huzzah!)

I'm writing a story.  I've really always been writing something, ever since 8th grade.  Admittedly, my writing used to suck when I was younger, but it's gotten better over the years.  For the past two years or so, I've been creating a world in my spare time: characters, lore, history, trivia, etc., of a futuristic sci-fi universe (set several thousand years into the future), and finally about six months ago, I decided I was going to start writing the first volume of this adventure.  I started an outline that details the first six chapters, and I'm expanding on it as inspiration strikes me.

Inspiration is a funny thing.  It strikes at the most inopportune times, like when I'm waiting in line at the grocery store, or taking a math test.  The thing about it is, you really have to seize the moment and go with it, because if you don't, that inspiration will slip out of your fingers and you'll be left with just the gnawing sense of missed opportunity.  That's sort of how this story is being written.

I've had some great ideas over the years, many of them shelved amongst the mundane life experiences of my day-to-day.  I've written down a few, but nothing solid, so most of my world and my characters live in my head.  Since I've started writing things down, I've realized just how difficult it is to retrieve these spontaneous explosions of creativity which I've never harnessed.  It's actually quite depressing, but instead of dwelling on how silly I was to not write things down, I'm going to chalk this up as a learning experience that tells me I really need to start writing things down.  I feel foolish about the idea to carry around a small notebook and to whip it out and start scrawling whenever a good idea comes to me, despite the fact that at the time I may be ordering a ham sandwich or making a left turn at a particularly busy intersection.

Despite all these unsavory setbacks, I've actually made pretty good progress, and I'm happy with my result so far.  I haven't actually started on the manuscript, but the outline is really making a solid thing I can hook into when I start the prose.  So, I'm really, really excited to get this thing off the launchpad.  It's going to have mystery, intrigue, conspiracy, heroism, and romance (gay romance, at that!).  If you guys are interested in hearing more, I'd love to share.  Just let me know ^^

Oh, and it's called, Galateia.

<33

Steady as she goes

I absolutely adore Sky Sailing.  It's an Owl City project, which is like, my favorite band musical group person everrr.  Probably the best song off the album is "Steady As She Goes" (though "Captains of the Sky" and "I Live Alone" are also amazingly beautiful), and it always reminds me of sort of a journey into the unknown.  Where you pick up your knapsack and set out without having a destination in mind.  It's not a tedious journey, or a particularly dangerous one; just one where you're not sure where you'll end up.  Those sorts of journeys are the best.  They don't let you set the mind onto a specific track; they don't let you estimate what the ending will be like, distracting you from all the sights you'll see on the way there.  It frees you to not worry about the destination, and lets you enjoy the journey.  I think that's the most important in anything: the road there, not the there part.

I think that's how I'm going to approach the next few years.  Sure, I can worry about what I'm going to do when I graduate, and where I'm going to end up next.  I can pass over the next three years just worrying about the destination, missing all the sights, sounds, and freedoms of being a university student truly on my own for the first time.  Or, I can just forget the destination.  It will come regardless... no need to worry my little head over it.  Instead, I can experience the wonders of the journey there.  Stop, and really, truly experience each day.  Laugh along with friends, cherish being up late nights staring into the violet sky, walk the trails on campus and see the geese migrating.  Each day that passes is like a full meal of once-in-a-lifetime experiences.  If you skip over the main course and go straight to dessert, you missed the best part.  Live each day as though you will never be able to come back and have the same experience again.  That's what I'm going to do.

And I'm going to love every day doing it.

<33

Labour Day

It was a Monday, and I wanted to get things done, but I couldn't!!  'Cause it's Labour Day (I should start getting used to the Canadian spelling of things, eh?).  I was so ready to go to the school cafeteria office to pay for my meal program, I was just itching to go.

And then it was closed.

But I did end up getting my parking permit from the security office, since that's open 24/7, apparently.  So I guess that's good.  What sucks about the permit though is they sold out of the special permits (which are a bit more expensive but you get to park closer to school) yesterday.  Ack!  When winter hits it's going to be soooo cold and I have to park way the heck out in the boonies.  My skinny California ass will freeze and die in the winters here xD

I'm excited to start eating in the school's cafeteria.  Why?  Because so far every day has been a fast-food fest.  Either that, or like, I skip a meal because I'm poor and can't afford to eat out every day =\

There are two cafeterias at the school: one for the residents where you have 3 meals a day and an ever-changing menu, but you're stuck eating whatever they have on the menu for the day and at specific times.  Or you can go to the regular cafeteria, which really feels like a mall food court.  You walk in and there are like six or seven different places to get food.  You pick up your meal and pay on your way out.  I like variety, since I'm a pretty picky eater, so I'm skipping the general cafeteria nonsense.  Thankfully, you don't need to be a resident to go to the resident cafeteria!  Plus, you get money to spend at the general cafeteria in case you want something different.  Yay!   =D

I'm a bit stressed at not having books yet for my classes.  My boyfriend (I'll name him Kyle for this blog) advised me to go to the first day of class and see if I need the latest edition of the books (the prof will usually say).  If not, I can buy used books for like, 50% of the cost at the bookstore.  Which is good, because the books are stupidly expensive.  We're talking like, there's no book under $100 kind of thing.  Stupid.  Even math supplementary books that are the thickness of my fingernail are like $100.

Letseee... there's not much else to talk about, so I'll quit while I'm still ahead and say g'bye =P

<33

A bit about me

What blog is complete without a post about the author?  So I guess I should introduce myself.

My name is Skybluekid.  We'll stick with that.  Originally I'm from Los Angeles, California.  I moved up here to Canada to start my first year of college/university.

I'm gay, and I'm out.  Sort of.  My goal is to be out to everyone up here, but sometimes I chicken out and try to hide that part of myself.  I think most of that fear comes from the sort of treatment I got back home from coming out to a few people who meant a lot to me.  I think, though, that this will be a lot different.  People here are different.  So I won't hide who I am, because that's caused problems in the past too much.

I'm not out to my parents.  I can't do that yet.  They're European immigrants from a very conservative country, and their views on gay people just... suck.  I don't know what their reaction would be if I told them, but I refuse to find out.  So I decided I would keep it from them as long as I could... at least until I was financially stable anyway.  They're the ones paying for my school, for one.  I don't want them to stop paying or stuff like that.

I have a boyfriend, and we live together.  We actually met a few years ago online, and he came down to visit me a couple of times.  We stuck out the long-distance relationship and it finally paid off.  When it came to apply to universities, I begged my parents to let me come here, since this is where he lives and is going to school.  I used all sorts of excuses.  I said that in the long run it was less expensive to go here, how the schools are better here, how great of an experience it would be, etc.  In the end they agreed to let me apply and I got accepted!  I was so excited, but also terrified.  This would be the first time I was away from my parents for so long, and so far away!  But so far it's been fantastic.  The freedom, the ability to just breathe deeply and not feel the mental oppression that I would get every day from being around my parents is soooo liberating.  I don't think I can describe just how wonderful it feels.

So I live with my boyfriend and his mom.  His mom and I met a few times before, and she's really chill.  She knows about us and is completely okay with everything.  Imagine that!  I wish my parents would be so accepting.  I managed to convince my parents that I found "off-campus housing".  I'm really surprised they didn't investigate further.  But, I won't look a gift horse in the mouth.  It's a good deal.

I'm majoring in business with a concentration in human resources.  I feel I'm a pretty good judge of character, and a decent motivator and leader.  I think I would do well in that position.  I find workplace psychology to be fascinating as well.  Secretly, though, I wish I could be a counsellor for LGBT youth.  What I went through growing up was a difficult struggle, and I really, really wish I had someone to help walk with me, give me advice, and so-forth.  The thing is, studying psychology is not something that interests me, so it would be difficult to do something like that as a career.  But I mean, who knows.  Maybe I can volunteer at a place or something =)

I think that's enough about me for now.  It's been a pretty fantastic journey for the past few weeks as I moved up here and left my old life behind.  I feel refreshed and renewed, and optimistic about the future.  I hope it continues to be that way, and that feeling just keeps growing.  I don't think I've been this happy for a long time =)

Oh and, if anyone wants to chat or something, my MSN is on my profile.  I really like to hear from people... I don't have many friends, especially ones who are gay.  It's always a great experience meeting new people and stuff.  So yeah... don't hesitate to comment or chat or something!! <33